Countdown...

Roughly I have about a week and a few days untill I am Married to Mr. Kelly and about 2 days untill liftoff to Utah. I am excited and so are the kids, they say, "I want to go to grandmas house!!!" "Are we going on the long drive now???" I think this will be fun for the kids and it seems like most roadtrips with Kelly are a good time to "grow together". On a side note I believe that I have royally pissed my sibling off, and a few other things happened over the weekend that were fun at first and awful in the end because I have too many bunny trails in my brain, but Kelly toughed it out and we decided that it was all abad idea and it will never happen again. I can't help but feel as though some sort of innocence was lost though-mostly because the ugly side of me reared it's head and Kelly went, "WHO IS THIS????!!!!" I am pretty good for the most part I must say, though some things of course could be better.

F-U-N to me spells L-A-M-E to most.

This is why my life is impossibly funny-I let the kids pick my wedding dress online. ANd my shoes out of the closet. But thats not the best part...Yesterday our long awited dress arrived in the mail Via the Postal Service, Jordan got to retrieve it. I stated with glee to the children, "THE WEDDING DRESS IS HERE!!!!!" to which they respoded , "GO PUT IT ON!!!!!!" SO, I put on said dress, and children said-"wow, you are a princess." We danced and took pictures and it was great, now, most people would really hate children clinging to thier dress and bouncing up and down but to me i t's the best, and that, my friends, is why I shop online...That and it's like SOOOOO much cheaper.

GUILT is a Four Letter Word.

What I learned this weekend is:

-My Mother no longer wants to speak to me.
-Honesty is SO NOT the Best Policy with some people.
-I feel really bad about telling AJ about me Planning on Getting Married.
-I am really concerned about how these kids are ever going to end up Okay.

I am kinda nervous and excited about all these trips comming up-Super Excited about having a nice Christmas, Nervous about Vegas. Kelly and I did the CHristmas shopping for the Kids Yesterday and Got him a nice shirt for the Wedding. We got all of Christmas done for about 100 dollars (for 5 kids that is SUPER) I LOVE HIS SHIRT!!!!! It totally says "VEGAS WEDDING" and makes him look all GQ and about 10 years younger-So now all I have to do is Cut his hair again before we go and we might look close to the same age. LOL. My dress is on the way in the mail-Hopefully it doesn't look really awful.

Pete and Re-Pete

I am nervous about getting remarried, and even more so about telling AJ. But I need to do it and give myself a mental athletic shake down and get ready for the BIG SHOW. If you know what I mean. Anyway-So here it comes and it's comming fast, hope I don't run in the opposite direction when it comes to be show time. I just really do not want this to be another AJ and Nikki Saga but with Different names, not that I think that it will be that way-I just want to be prepared. I have been noticing that I am thinking in my DOOMS DAY mentality about marriage again. You know, the, Well, if it doesn't work out then this is my PLAN B. ECT...I can't shut off the part of my brain that is looking for games and lies and waiting to you the afore mentioned and planned out PLAN B. I guess I do not expect to have anything truly good come my way.

No Joke.

Sooooo, I guess he wasn't kidding. We are going to shoot for a New Years Wedding even if we end up in Vegas to do it. LIFE IS SO RIDICULOUS SOMETIMES.

Huh?

So-Today at Kelly's lunch-which he was here for- he walked out of the Back Bedroom Saying, "What About a New Years Wedding? That would be neat." (insert CJ's famous "huh?") I am not sure if he was being serious or whether it was the fact that Jordan said I was his wife, and no one could marry me. Haha, Jordan is a funny Kid, he did the whole scenerio thing took me to the "altar" (which was the bar in the Kitchen) and said, "one, two three, Now we kiss and you are my husband, I mean girlfriend, uhhh WIFE!" Then he sat on the living room coffee table and brushed my hair and said, "Are you relaxed yet??" Then I made Christmas tree Projects for everyone to do-It was Very romantic. LOL. I would not mind marrying Kelly, in fact I think we both are on the same page in the fact that we would like to be married....soon.

Viva Las Vegas

So, I survived Thanksgiving with the Kindreds. It was nice-less chaotic than Ridley Village. Needless to say, my Mother is rather PO-ed about that. Also, On friday Kelly and I headed South for the Glowing Lights of Las Vegas. Now what does a Nice Christian Couple do in Sin City?? Well, mostly they don't sleep, don't drink, Don't Smoke, Walk a Lot, and Compare Boob to Head size ratio's on the Slut Calling Cards. They also attend a Random Wedding for Scott and Wendy. It was crazy that we were all, Including Grandma and John, there in Las Vegas, it was great. I was glad that everyone met Kelly, even though we forgot our razors, and flat irons, and he was weraring his work safety glasses (which make him look like a bug, which he realized and makes a BUZZZZ BUZZZ noise for me every once in a while. However on the sunject of funny things Kelly does, his Gump Voice and Bird thing he does are still my personal Favorites.) It has been a crazy last few days but well worth the people we saw, and the bonding we shared.

How to Piss Off Your Mother (A Field Guide)

This is my version of the many way to piss off ones Mother and they are as follows:

-Begin in Early Childhood by doing "Half-Ass Jobs" forcing her to re-do whatever you had already done.
-Hide Information about the whereabouts of the other parental unit after the Divorce.
-Cover for other parental unit when H&W comes to interview you.
-Stay in California with Brother and Other Parental Unit.
-Come back to live with mother and then do not return after summer Visitation for various and terrible reasons
-Marry the Idiot with the Insanely Huge Family that Knocked you up at 18.
-Join the LDS church
-Divorce the Idiot that caused you to practically live at your mothers house for the last 3 years and then Promptly Dissappear from her view.
-Start seeing your neighbor that stole from you and has a record of speeding tickets ect. the size of Wisconsin.
-Attend above mentioned persons family functions and blow off your plans to take care of his kids therefore once again pissing off Mother causing her to call and Ask for he money now, and say " I am so glad that I paid to not see you ever again."

Then make the mistake of saying you cannot do both things thereby making Mother more upset. Mother Hangs Up-You call mother Back and ask her what time the White Island event of the Century is going on to which she responds, "Why Do you Care?" Salving the situation seems mostly impossible at this point-Perhaps I should just send her a check in the Mail, or make different plans. This whole me not being around for holidays is not new news though, I have been Holidaying Myself out with the Ridley clan for years and now it is a BIG BAD THING. She is going to DisOwn Me when I go to Utah for Christmas, I think I will drop that bomb later.

Almost as Big as the Watergate Incident....

KELLY HAS BEEN DIVORCED SINCE NOVEMBER 18th!!!!!!!!!!! What that actually means now is a little unknown and unnerving-I think there needs to be a sequence of events in a particular order though eventually, or I need to do something different, I do not want it to be assumed that I will be something I have not been asked to be.

Dr. Strange-Love

So, Liandra got the kids back today for only about 24 hrs though-she has some court thing so they will be back here at 9 am tomarrow which is Ok. It is a little wierd not having them here because I am used to being over-loaded now...I have a few other thoughts rummaging around in my head but nothing really important. Kelly and I are doing well-I continue to pray both in thanks and in asking. The asking is mostly for wisdom and patience and for Aj to know God and that Kelly will continue to grown in his walk and that I can be a servant to God. And the thanking is for Everything-I am trying to be grateful for what I have and even out all the "asking" with more "thankfulness".

This is the Story of a-Girl....

So, what have I accomplished today you ask?? Well, I will haev you know I marshmello-fied my brownies I baked yesterday that Kelly took a hunk out of, after we sucked all the water out of the house. Oh yeah, that-Uh-WELL......So this Pipe that was coupleed together for the Washing machine Blew apart at like 4 pm yesterday and I have no idea where the Shut off is...Yeah it was cool- The kids thought it was the Apocalypse and those who didn't were Dancing in it. It was Awesome I think I swore enough for all of next year in about 15 minutes. Thankfully Super Kelly works like down the road(well, not really) But I called and he came skidding into the driveway with his work truck Jumped under the house and saved us all. Who can't love a guy like that??!! And then he actually helped me clean it up! So that was pretty cool in a anything that can happen that has to do with water will happen in this house kind of way. I am glad I had a conveniently located person who happens to know the underside of the house and wears a flashlight on thier head. haha.

So back today-The kids and I danced to oldies, did puzzles, hada pancake brunch and now are watching...WALL-E. YAY!!!!!! I have a daycare training tonight that I need to call on, and I really want to go to the Twilight movie but I am a little scared of myself for wanting to so badly...I have a problem.

Hey hey

You know, communication is good. So is being important enough to make someone change thier direction. YAY

The Strange Sinking Feeling

I feel removed. Like the Kelly thing is disappating and I am falling into the same futile pattern of circles of life. Except this time I have no control over it, and in fact it makes me sad.


"And it's amazing with that look in your eye that you could save me...and it I told you I was sorry would you tell me you were wrong? Would you hold me down forever if I looked to you for Answers? And I saw pictures in my head and I swear I saw you opening up again, and I would be heavenly if you would just rescue me now, and the days are just drifting by, and I am just burning through everything..."

God is God.

This amazing thing happened yesterday, we (kelly and I) went to our separate churches and I felt the wholeness I have been missing (spiritually) during the church tour bonanza. However when I got home at 11 and was alone I was a little unnerved so I popped in my Tabernacle Choir Cd and kept up the good vibrations while I strated some rolls and did some laundry ect. BTW I think it was good for my kids to be back at our church as a little unit of 3 like before, I am glad to be able to have that time with them. So, when 1 ish rolled around and I who was unsure if he went to the Light house or not was wondering if I has pissed him off by actually leaving at 8 am and going my own way. But, he came back with Hot Fudge Sundaes for all and in a creepily good mood compared to how angry he usually is about me going to my church. He said that the lesson was being not a FLOATER and being part of a CHURCH. Also about being ONE IN CHRIST. Apparently that all helped him and made him feel better about all of this, that and he said he was glad to have someone to come home to even if we went our separate ways. He said he has found his church. yay. Of course it has to be the most ANTI church around. So, yes we still go to night church at the river together but it is good and well with my soul to be alone with my children and with God on Sundays. This whole thing made me entirely happy and over flowing with Joy because I have been praying for Kelly to be softened and to find his place. I am happy for him, I am happy for me, and I am so Thankful to God. I feel sometimes like I have been given certain people in my life, friends who feed me-like Heidi, and others who help me along the way to stay strong and immovable or otherwise just not drift all too far. As for Kelly, it makes me happy to watch him grow in Christ and gain more knowledge of his ministry and of the Bible-It's like watching a baby crawl, and just make s me want to smile. I am so grateful and so thankful just to watch and just to have the understanding of Christ and of the Gospel in my life. I am so happy to be found.

"Where did all the Good People Go?"

I have not updated this for a bit, Kelly and I are doing well, after all the crap that has been circulating around My choice for a AM church he has given up and decided that he will try really hard to not be a raunch about it because God would not want him to be this way, even if he hates the church for no apparent reason other than his own issues. So YAY! Not that I needed permission but it makes me more comfortable if I am not causing so much tension. I met AJ's new girlfriend who did not remove herself from the couch, and I think they MATCH. They both seem simple and they would look good together. I hope she is nice and takes good care of him and stick around so my kids stop going to random womens houses 3 days a week. I love the fact that I am still with the same guy, and that we are so well suited to one another-Sure we butt heads but I think this is what healthy looks like for the most part and it is great that it does not revolve around sex and all that junk at all, it for the most part revolves around God and Christ (we read scriptures together everyday and go to church together), being a fun and solid combined familiy unit, and being partners and friends. However I am not one to just be a ball of I LOVE YOU gobbldygook these days so that is something that is a speed bump for us because his Language is Affirmations verbally and physically like hugging and such, being told that he is cared for, while my Language is Knowing I am OK and Doing things like taking care of physical needs, IE cooking, cleaning, ect. YES YES I know that it is still something that started at a bad time but I really do think God puts people in our lives for a reason, and if Kelly is here to help me learn something, or if he is here to Be a Life Partner in Christ then so be it, this is all in Gods Hands-Even if Obama is President.

Is this what you Thought your life would be?

THERE'S MORE TO LIVING THAN BEING ALIVE.

I had an experience that I have not had since I was in a different place. And it made me think, "What have I got myself into here?" I already had a plan B worked out in my head before 2 minutes had passed. And it's not that this thing was so terrible but it that it was So REAL and so something I do not want to become a normalacy. Anyway, I wanted to write about it when it was fresh but now it has somewhat phased out a little. I think I need to spend time with my mother on saturday or maybe a little tonight. I need to balance out my life a bit instead of "kids, kids, kids, kelly, aj, kids kids, kids....ect" AJ showed up yesterday asking for money for food saying he had not eaten for 2 days. I made him food instead. I feel bad. That night when I picked up the kids I asked him if he liked his life. And he said No. Then he asked if Kelly had a grudge against him like he does, I said no. He just thinks you were dumb to ever leave me. We agreed that being divorced is best and has opened our eyes to yet more things that were irrevokably wrong with "us". But I still cannot push down that urge to take care of him far enough to forget it. Kelly is Kelly, I like him, but I do not need him, and I think I love him, but in an unfammiliar way because he is not something I can control/fix nor something I can really "take care of". Perhaps this is what healthy is.

Mi Gusta'

So, here is how the story goes, I went to the LDS church and it was all gravy except for the fact that Kelly was there and was being entirely too unpleasant which resulted in a, "Maybe I should just move my stuff out because I don't want to go to separate churches because it is stupid and we will not work out because it will come between us."...the end. My response was, "I never said you jhad to go and that is ridiculous if you are going to make the big of a deal out of something I never had ant intentions of making you do." We did however somehow get to a plain of "getting along" after that, perhaps it was the Tomatoes?? We also attended our favorite night church the RIVER and listen like little sponges to Pastor Mikes take on Daniel ch. 7 which was awesome. I think I can have my cake and eat it too, this is america. On a side note- this CD Alex made me back in the day that has never played now PLAYS. It is fun for me to listen to, brings back some great memories. I had a great thing with that guy best friend and all that junk. Anyway, So AJ is better than Kelly on the church thing, sure he never went but he let me do whatever I wanted, which is better than negetivity. ..."She didn't want to, she didn't want to TAKE IT!!" And the best part is I DO NOT HAVE TO.

hello

how are you I would like you to know...that I am simply simple minded in an understated tone. I have reasons beyond reasoning for things I have not won, and questions not worth answering for things you've never done. I am simply simple minded and thats all you need to know about a girl like me who sits here writting things like this one.

Retro Eighties so -called Friends of mine...

Uh, I am dropping classes. Namely English and Math. I am keeping Biology and The Young Child. I think I need to spread this shin-digg out over time. Liandra and I are a little too friendly I think...A little strange...And she needs to wear different undies or pants that fit her butt because I am sick of seeing her thongs. its just nasty. Anyway, so yeah, toooooooo friendly w/ the ex-wifey....HAHAAHHAHAHAHASUHauifhdfuipedhrohgdfiospghiodfp WHAT AM I DOING HERE!!!????

How Sorry is enough?

AJ won. I am voted off the island of relatives. THE END.

First Snow of the Season!!

I just got done telling Kiersten that I was going to take pictures of them out in the first snow of the season. I think that would be cute. Kelly is working today and he worked late last night, Kiersten was up coughing all night and I took care of her, then Kelly woke up for a little bit before we went back to bed because he had to be out of here by 7 am. I need to get some more cough medicine, the kids are getting this cough thing going around. I let the dogs inside, I hate to see them freezing to death outside. I need to go to town to get some winter stuff for the kids. and get to the bank, I am a grandma in the snow.

Hello Mr. Zebra, Can I have you Coat?

Because It's Cold, Cold, Cold....

Did you know that it is like 32 degrees outside?? Holy Poop. It's darn cold, we will not be going outside today. Period. Which reminds me that I have to go get the kids (ALL OF THEM PROBABLY) Winter Jackets, Good Shoes, and Socks. Also Pants that fit would be super for Kiersten and for Kayla. I think the Boys are pretty well set up for clothes, jackets, and maybe shoes. Hannah is doing great on clothes as well. Maybe I will get her her own Winter coat and pass the Mckenna Hand me down down to Kayla??? Because it is a little large for Miss Banana. This weekend is Moving Day for both Kelly and I and for AJ as well. The great division of stuff will be happening. How exciting.

Do we have to???

First off for the record if to no one but myself , I AM NOT A SLUT. I did not sleep around on AJ during our marriage, even though he seems to think so. The KELLY AND I story is entirely true even though it seems false, but to my knowlege I have not ever had any sort of affair with that man during my marriage. ALSO I NEVER GAVE IN TO MY "I want drugs" BONANZA. NO, I do not trust AJ, and NO he does not trust me anymore except for when it has to do with the kids. This is craziness, stop insinuating things about me and just comeout and say it and DO NOT talk about me with your sex offender father about whether or not I was a whore during our marriage of course he would say that I was because he would be doing it. So WTF!!!!???? And please hang up on me one mroe time when I say, "you were supposed to get your stuff out during the 20 days not now" and thrown in a "Screw you too then!!!!" *click* My life is awesome most of the time.

Love is a Many Splendored thing.

AJ has found a girl, at Kruzers of course, she is 25 blonde a hairdresser and has a six year old boy. I feel somewhat released from this undying tie to not let myself fully move past him. I, on the other hand, have an almost 32 year old man with 3 kids, a good job, ect. I think I still got the better end of the stick. We obviously have different standards. haha. I asked Kelly what church we were going to this weekend and he was about to say Mor-and then changed to Nazarene. This is his last week to go church touring before the "big one" called the LDS church. I am considering just going to the LDS this weekend alone. Things are good Liandra is kinda freaking me out being all buddy buddy which is making Kelly a little PO-ed because, "Everyone else gets to spend time with you but me-You spend 3 hours eveyother night with AJ lately, Liandra comes over and Hangs out for hours with you and all I get is to watch the kids while you are gone all the time. Not that I mind helping but we need to spend time together." Yes, I know I need to spend the time to make it work out. Unfortunately my life is not my own and I have Jammed it up with too much stuff to do.

Compromise and Comparisons.

Yesterday I discovered that it really isn't bad to tell the person you are mad at that you are mad at them, and why you are that way. How Bizzare. Today I discovered that I am somehow competing with something that looks a whole lot like a comparison. I am NOT going to COMPETE and DO NOT want to be COMPARED. Especially when what I am being compared to shows up and doesn't leave for over an hour. "Please take this cup from me...." Gosh, I have this undeniable urge to try and fix it/her. I have ISSUES. Also today I decided that I am in love with the farm boy driving me around in his daddys 10 wheeler during corn harvest in a white t-shirt and wranglers. That happy boy who knew nothing about life. That happy boy that turned into a very angry young man. My heart weeps for him. My heart weeps for his family that I love. I cannot tell him this of course. But gosh, I know for a fact it is true, I am in love with those happy memories of him however few they are. But despise those unhappy memories of every day we lived together. Talk about contradictory. With everything in me, I want to see him happy again, I want to see him smile and be carefree in a good way. I hope he gets there again.

Happy Sort of Anniversary

AJ reminded me that today is our last anniversary we will be having and oddly enough we will be attending parenting classes tonight together so we can call it a "DATE" haha. That probably isn't actually funny. Neither is it when Kelly and AJ are here together and AJ doesn't really pay a whole ton of attention to the kids and then gets mad because Kelly is reading to his kids and Our kids want to do that too. My mother is Mad. She says she isn't but I can hear it in her voice and she is very short with me as of late. She asked why I didn't coemover yesterday to get the pumpkins that I can;t get except for if I am alone and I told her I stayed here for AJ's visit. I did not mention that I do not want to feed into her fun behavior of not letting me not inconvenience myself and go over there after church with Kelly and the kids since we "roll" there together. Anyway-I am not sure how I am going to deal with this-A big big part of me want to just do my own thing and say screw it to her approval. Then there is the little girl inside that want above all things mommy's approval and to make her smile. I am thinking that now is a good as time as any to clain my independance of thought and lifestyle. It's not as if I am doing something so bad that requires this kind of back stabbing. Oh and my life resembles a Love Square.

Stacie's Mom Has Got it Goin' On...

Hey you want to know what is really really cool???? Being me. You wanna know why??? Because my family seems to have a knack for finding all the dirt availiable on a person. Including somehow endingup working with someone who went to HS with Kelly and His family and somehow they decide to talk about all the crap he did in HS. So guess what happens next?? My Mother call me and says, "So I guess you found yourself another Brian. Another Hoodlum. Heard from this guy that he soked a lot of pot and stole a lot of stuff and got in a lot of trouble. Hope he changed, though I do not believe people do, because the grass is Not Greener on the other side of the Fence Nicole. You Need to Call Clif." COME ON PEOPLE. HS was how many years ago???? How Old is He Now?? Give a Guy a Break. The more this happens the more unsure I get, the worse things look the more nervous I am the more guilty I feel about it the more I want to have it stop. Then my mother calls me after I talk to Clif because Clif says I sounded Pissy, well lets see you call me to tell me crap about this guy I like that I already know, that I know makes him only look worse than he already does which will only get me a "YOU NEED TO LOOK AROUND NICOLE." All while I have a billion kids running around and I am trying to get stuff done. So yeah, maybe I am a little pissy because I am sick of being told to shop around. I WAS NEVER SHOPPING TO BEGIN WITH. If you want me to go back to AJ just say it outright because all this is ridiculous. And SO WHAT IF A THIRTY SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN HAS A JUVENILE RECORD AND A LOT OF SPEEDING TICKETS AS LONG AS HE HOLDS A JOB AND TAKES CARE OF HIS STUFF LOVES HIS KIDS AND IS RESPONSIBLE??????!!!

I am sick of all this judgemental CRAP. Yeah AJ doesn't have a record. Yeah he is a Good Ol' Boy. He is a nice guy most of the time but a litte slow-however that doesn't excuse all the crap between us. He has issues and he needs help and always have and my Greatest Mistake with him was thinking I alone could fix him. He needs to know himself. He needs to be okay with that first.

Oh, while on the "I Know Who I Am" Kick I should put who I am in here: I am Too Independant, too opinionated though I keep alot of stuff inside that I should not like the fact that I would like to have a healthier relationship with my family. I feel guilty about almost everything. There is something wrong with that but I know where it comes from and I have been this way since I can remeber. I have a tendancy to try and make everyone happy. I have trouble saying NO. I am a pleaser. I love God. I always have had a Fear of God and I love that. I also have a Fear of god for my mother. which is unhealthy, I need to remember that no matter how high my mother sees herself she is human just as I am, and I am an adult. I realize that if I did what I wanted all the time I would have a thousand shoes and a billion different items of clothing and probably the same for my children and partner. I would also have name brand groceries. I would ALSO be in alot of DEBT. I am a mother, and I love them, I wish I could really know these little "unknowable people" that live in my house. I feel bad that I have lost sight of them somewhat because of my job. I have hopes and aspirations, I work hard and I plan things out. I should be more spontaneous and not in house project kind of way. I question and question everything people do and every move I make it over thought and calculated. BAD BAD STUFF but at least I understand why I do it.

Why do I blog???

Why the crap do I blog? I am not really sure why. I guess it stems from when I was a teenager and had 0 privacy so it seemed and I thought it would be safer to try and lock it up on the internet. Unfortunaely that is a bad plan as well. Anyway, so Kelly go me thinking and now I am questioning my motives on this whole blogging thing. I am not overly concerned about people reading it because I have nothing to hide and really nothing interesting to say most of the time. I guess it is just kind of for me to "vent" or express thoughts that I have at the time??? Which of course he would rebutt with a "Why do you need to do that when you have someone to talk to now???" insert I DUNNO. So, sure sure I will figure out whether or not this will die in the near future. ANYWAY. AJ and I went to our first parenting class, they talked about how marriage is a chair and if there is one leg broken you need to leave and go fix your leg. If you have more than one leg broken then you should be there. How you need to be honest with the kids, tell them you love them make them #1. Not to date anyone for however long it takes to know yourself. (I think I know myself) There were "divorcing" couple in there laying on eachother and holding hands....WHY ARE YOU IN HERE????? This whole situation is just bizzare. I think it would be easier if I felt something other than pity. But we talked afterward and I said I was sorry that I couldn't be sad with him. I think we may end up kinda being friends, I hope he learns how to be happy. Today he asked me to go to dinner with im as "friends" without the kids for my birthday. I said I did not think that was a great idea. Life is great, I love my kids. However much they whine

Mr. Brightside

I HATE THIS CRAP. He showed up for lunch and then I just go..."uhhhhhh, Hi.....I think that we both are too bossy adn need rules blah blah..." then he goes, "What are you talking about? Why are you trying to kill italready? If you were going to do this you should have done it awhile ago. Like before I gave my Notice?? Why can't you think positive thoughts??" "When I say some things it's just like a way of being weird and breaking the monotony and most of the time I don't mean what I am saying anyway when I do it-it's just a way of flirting like people do when they don't really know eachother..." "Yes I have aProblem with you being around guys that have the hotts for you and you don't seem to be telling him to go away, and I think you would have a problem with it too!" Insert *Blink* *Blink* "OH. yeah..." (I feel like an idiot and still did not get my point across, and now cannot really remember what the point even was.) I have a disease. And I call it "Kelly". All I really have to do is see him and look at him and go-"heheheheee" and I am officially lost and cannot remember why I was ever even a little irritated with him. Oh and McKenna saw him kiss me and now I will never live that one down. "NICOLE KELLY KISSED YOU!!! why did kelly kiss you??? Are you Kelly's Honey???? Kelly Kissed you nicole." PDA IS BAD.

There is no "I" in "Team"

SO. I know how to piss off Kelly lickety split in more ways that one. I also now have a library of Observed OCD's and knowlege about how it functions. But back to the how to piss Him Off : a.) Talk about Conference (or anything LDS for that matter) b.) Talk about school and projects you have to do with a certain male and 2 other females.

I need to lay down the law. YOU DON"T OWN ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! THE MORE YOU DO THIS THE LESS I LIKE YOU AND WANT YOU AROUND!!!!!!!!

For me when someone tryies to boss me and tell me what I can or can't do or flips out when I say the word "group project" and "get together outsode of school" and they FLIP OUT it makes me wish I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO GET THAT TREATMENT. Just because your soon to be ex wife was a slut doesn't mean I am. AND all those stupid head games have got to stop because I am not playing anymore, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do not EVER try and Guilt trip me into ANYTHING I am not some stupid little girl who doesn't have a brain in her skull (AND if that is what you want you should get out) . AND you will not tell me what church to go to and I DO NOT WANT YOU HERE if you are going to be a JACKASS about what I want to do as for religion and that goes for you never going as well, I would rather just be with AJ. At least AJ wasn't so hostile about the whole thing. Gee WIZZ!!!! YOU CAN GET THE "F" OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!

I think I am going to print this out and read it to Kelly and see what happens. He is not my only option, and I think that this is ridiculous. I am not liandra, if he wants someone that confused and maleable then maybe he should have stayed where he was.

The Bravery

So, I told Kelly he can move in when his rent is up-heck I need the help with the income to bills ratio. I could use a roommate that is also a daycare income as well as helpful to me and that I have "those feelings" for. I am not sure as to how to break it to AJ though without making him VERY ANGRY again. But it's not like I can hide it when it happens-he has to do his visits here unless he gets a place here real quick or follows through with his I need to not see you or the kids plan. I think Kelly being around is actually kind of good for the Kids, he gives them attention and helps take the pressure off me to get everything done, we seem to work well together in that sense. This morning we talked about how I need to spend more time with my kids and be affectionate and I got some credit for doing better about that the last few days. I think it is the sharing of responsibility that is helping. I want to see my children. I want them to be special to me and have a well-adjusted life and I think I can make that happen by doing this. My ploy to get him to go to the LDS/any NON CONGLOMERATE CHURCH church continues to fail. Oh well. Oh by the Way TODAY is my Birthday. I am 22 now. It's been quite the wild ride.

WatashiWa.

So, what is new in theland of oh lets think....wannabe immorality and other such affairs?? Well, I will tell you. The Lighthouse has lost it's once was hold on Kelly. He says it is too big and would like to continue church touring. Which is fine with me. AJ cried in my lap yesterday. More than cried. Sobbed. I felt bad. Kayla was here and Kelly came to get her right before AJ came to visit and AJ saw Kelly Turn around to go back home and he flipped out. Then I put him in his place and told him "We are NOT married anymore. You can't do this to People! You can't poop on them and then expect them to be there forever. This is what you wanted and the only reason you even care now and now I am good enough for you is because I am not INVISIBLE." He claimed profusely this was not the case stating, "It was me who was not good enough for you." Which I rebutted with a, "Well, you sure had a crappy way of showing it." Yet another highlight from the weekend was the "I don't think we should talk anymore because we keep on arguing." statement from Kelly which resulted in........ME NOT TALKING........which was apparently not what he was going for....this was stated because we were talking about me watching his kids today (which I did) and how I was gonna see the "cabbage patch kid" and feel bad again...anyway so long story short I said, "Why don't you just go back to your wife?" which got me the afore mentioned statement about not talking and how I don't support "us".....I have my reasons for not supporting "us" and most of it stems from not wanting to "run over" people like the "cabbage patch kid" and "Mr. Penis Man (aj) " Anyway, so we argued and talked and talked and then it was resolved for the most part...I just saw "her" and it was okay because I am thinking of it as a business transaction. I Also did nothing with my hair or anything so I look like a frizz ball....which may help her new complex...I HOPE. AJ apperently is really thinking about commiting suicide. I really hope he does not, I cannnot handle soemthing like that, I hope his counselor will give him some meds to help with that... Oh, I am talking to Michelle again...I think it's because she is pregnant now though. =) haven't talked to Heidi in a long time it seems and I have parenting classes starting on weds. this is gonna be a busy next 2 weeks.

The L-Bomb.

Highlights from last night (because there always are highlights when AJ comes around): AJ wrote a letter-not just any letter mind you. A three pager-he hasn't written anything more than a check since I have known him. However he put time boxes all over it as if to prove that his efforts should be recognized, but it tells me that he spent a whole hour and ten minutes with the kids and the other 50 writting a love letter. He gets an A for effort though. Throughout the letter he proffessed his love for the kids and I. In fact he even decided to bring God into it, saying when he prays he feels like he is supposed to be with me. He said he would go to Anger Management and try and date me and not try to have sex and try and be friends and all that junk. If only for one more chance. I am just so angry when he does this-it's like I can feel nothing else but resentment and I hate that. I feel like I wasn't good enough then, wasn't worth the effort but now I am. Now that I have removed myself from him. And even when we separated it was not me who left him, but he who left me. When faced with the option of workingon things to be with me he chose to leave instead. What does that tell me?? And if I ever did go back to him what would that say about me? That I can be stepped on forever by AJ? That I like being treated like I am nothing and nobody? I resent him because he rejected me. I tried and tried and tried and did things to make him better to show I cared to prove to myself that I could fix it. I could make it work with him if only I could DO enough. Obviously I was just kidding myself and all I am left with is those memories and a lack of self worth and a confused view on human relations. And even now I am sorry that I am hurting him, I am sorry that I cannot do it over again. Heidi said that I would be back with AJ if Kelly had not come along, but I think that AJ would never have "come back" around if Kelly had never noticed me.
Kelly and I are going to try and go on a date tonight. And about the Kelly thing, I think we both are looking to the other as if they hold all the qualities and things that we needed in a relationship but never really had. Thats a lot of pressure to put on soemone, but I think that it is very possible that we may be exactly that to one another. The kids are excited about having a sleep over at grandmas (about the kids- I think they are doing fine and are happy for the most part I am just going a little crazy with all the whining and think I need to really do something about the way my kids communicate with me. Less whining-More Words.) and now I am going to beat the kids that are running and jumping off the beds. Good thing I type darn fast. =P My mother is telling me that she hopes that I am not trying to work things out with AJ because of Kelly-That is not the case. I am not working with AJ because I am not a sucker.

Robo Cop

Robo cop is sitting in front of my house...again. I get to go on a date this weekend...maybe if I can find someone to go with me...

Hello AJ, Good Read??

AJ discovered this Blogg. I guess it makes sense that he would. My family has made it my job to remind my she-male brother that he is a BOY, and not a GIRL. For some odd reason they are under the impression that I can be the one to make the Rude Comments. I am not sure about being the ambassador of shame. However I will continue to pray for him for the smae stuff I have always prayed for him-Wisdom ect. I kinda backed AJ into a corner last night and said some mean stuff because I really wanted to say "F*** You!!!" When he said that he wants me back and is so sorry and he didn't realize what he had. I used to feel bad but now I am growing a feeling and it looks a lot like Anger. I do not want to hear about how pretty I am or what wonderful things I did and now he wants it all back after he threw me out with the Mondays Trash and told me he'd come back for me when he was done having fun pretty much. You cannot fix that with a few nice phrases and the I'm sorries. No. No. No. I do not want that. I do not want to let him damage me. On a side note the Kelly thing is still building but in a "normal" way. He says he wants to have a relationship on every level-including spiritual, which would be nice because I have never had that. Plus it is nice to go to church with someone other than the kids. I think the Teacher is jumping on the Apathy train twards her husband. I talked to her a little about it this AM and she said, "My Give a Damn Is Busted." I told her, thats when you know things are really over. This is very unfortunate if it comes down to my situation, Tis the Season.

Go Fishing????

Todd says that Kelly and I need to "go fishing". Followed by something along the lines of "You must have hooked him pretty good...." I am not sure how exactly to take that so I will just let it roll-off. Things seem a little awkward between Heidi and I. I really wish it wasn't that way, but I cannot expect anything else really given the circumstances. Highlights from the last however long it has been: MY BROTHER IS A TRANSSEXUAL. (adam and steve(but steve wears a dress)) AJ WANTS TO BE WITH ME. (he calls and shows up lots, what about being divorced??) I AM NOT SELLING MY DARN HOUSE. I FIGHT WITH MY GRANDMA BECAUSE I AM TOO OPINIONATED ABOUT THINGS OF THE WORLD.(like my brother) MY MOTHER THINKS KELLY IS MY STALKER. (she is wrong) I AM OVERWHELMED AND DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM GOING TO COLLEGE. (at this point in time...)
I know what I want out a a relationship: Friend & Partner. THE END.
I still like Kelly (a lot) and I say mean things without thinking (a lot) which he thinks come from a real place (which they might but I really don't know) However that does not mean that they reflect my actual plan of action. If they did I would probably not have ever ended up where I am now and I am not saying that where I am now is a mistake because it really is not such a bad place to be. I do not want to go fishing. I never had any intentions of going fishing so I technically consider whatever "this" turns out as a very unexpected but very nice thing. Unless of course I am being completely retarded and have been sucked into something and will be discarded with last weeks garbage as soon as possible. (gee I am SOOOOO not paranoid.)

Stuff, like Things.

Went to Church at Amazing Grace With My Gma and Kelly and his Kids. Then we went to lunch. Gma says Kelly is "A Very Nice Man." Gma also says that things will be great as long as we go in the same direction we are right now. Perhaps this time away from one another is good for us.

I'm Just a Girl...for once...

So, Yesterday I discovered that A.) I AM CRAZY and B.) I AM ACTING LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD SCHOOL GIRL. In regards to option A. I told him about that one-he took it in a bad way at first but then I explained that it's just all the uncertainties and things that make this rollercoaster like thing that has bcome my daily life. I see him and it's all "YAY!" and then I am all "yay!" untill the afternoon and then it goes "WHAT AM I DOING???!!! along with some UNCERTAINTY and some GUILT about that fact that I do Like him as well as the I do not know what else to describe it but perhaps PARANOIA or jealousy????" And then I get to talk to or visit him and it's all "YAY" again. Now, the reason why this is making me so gosh darn NUTS is because I am used to being like this ___________ NOW I am like this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WHERE DID THE _________ GO?????!!!! I do not do well like this and I feel so out of control it is just insane that I am letting this have such an effect on me and seem almost unable to keep my "Cool". I am supposed to be doing this to SOMEONE ELSE!!! NOT the OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, so I explained this quite embarassing fact. I also added in that I do NOT do this, I DO NOT act like a crazy little school girl with her first crush. This Craziness is what caused me to OPEN UP to Heidi and I shouldn't have and Heidi does not care to know it but, I am OBVIOUSLY NUTS RIGHT NOW so you will have to EXCUSE my behavior. I will try not to be such a "GIRL" from now on...and BTW what is this "leg humping"???? story?? among other things???

Shoulder to the Wheel...

There is a random cat in my house-I blame my children. Had good peace talks with AJ, we are now getting along famously. Talked to Kelly-Decided we are unfit to be in any relationship because we will drown eachother in paranoia and questioning. My Grandmother is comming to town.

A Clean Break???

So. What does Nicole do now? Does she take this break as gift from God Alone and take it?? Or do I continue on?? I am completely torn between the two options as I usually am in making any major decision that involves people other than myself. AJ and I continue to fight. I told him I am broken and that seems to make me rather unfit for a relationship with a certain someone he is overly concerned about me and the kids being around. I am broken in the sense that I am trained to function in certain way, I am not overly open, and that seems to make me hard to read and hard to deal with. When things happen I withdraw even further yet into myself and do not like to be touched nor do I like to talk about it. There are no words to describle the shame that goes with selfishness. I am generally not that way at all and generally have a lot of self control so of course I am shamed and embarassed that I would chose for Myself instead of for the Benefit of Others. Perhaps I I need to learn to do something for me, and only me for once in my small life. So what now young sailor?

...."Rock on young sailor don't give up your hope. I'm the One who Gets Away, I'm A New Jersey Sucess Story and they say, All the Heat in the World Couldn't Melt that Ice..."

A Way of Life.

SO. Big news, big news, lots of DRAMA. Pretty much yesterday went like this: Kelly Takes his kids to thier mom's-Kids Mom is Too Hungover to watch Children....Kelly Asks if I will watch his kids, Yeah, I will and I do....Kelly comes to get his kids...AJ shows up and Kelly is here....I go to Class....They talk....AJ Cries.....AJ calls me in Class and Says he is having my Mom come get the kids because he can't stand being here...EVERYONE GETS ALL MEAN AND NASTY TWORD ME ABOUT IT ALL...I get my Kids after class from Filer...AJ calls tells me we need to make boundaries...Kelly calls, wonders where I am and if I am okay....Go Home, talk to Kelly about it...Next Morning AJ says that if I do not stop seeing Kelly he will take the kids from me...I call the Lawyer, lawyer says maybe I should lay low but I am still allowed to date...Talk to Kelly say, AJ is trying to take the kids from me for seeing you, cannot let you be around the kids at all...Kelly says he wants to still date and see eachother but he does not have to live here...SO, I tell AJ that I am just going to date Kelly untill the Divorce is Final. Fun times!!!!!!!!!!

Falling Asleep on Your Clavicle....

So....What is going on today??? Well, I feel Bad about AJ still-I did not like seeing him cry, but at the same time there was no feeling other than that of pity and to comfort. It was kinda strange being so near him. He is a GIANT I have decided, crazy tall, and crazy skinny-and yes a little smelly. He is just so Simple, and it tears me up to see him hurting. I told him I would always be around when he needs me and that maybe by being divorced we can perhaps gain something we never had in our marriage-Friendship. The Kelly thing is still in perpetual motion, which is a good thing, we talk a lot and we got to talk about some things that are important for me to know personally. This however, does not mean that I am retarded and am not being smart about it all. Though I am fairly certain that what he says is what he means and seems to be rather blunt and honest about everything so I think that if I would let myself I could probably trust him for the most part. Trust is a big big issue for me though right now. Other than that My mother looked up his public record and is digging pretty deep to get as much garbage out there to make me get rid of him. I hate to be the "stupid one" but I don't think that he is a bad guy overall and told me about all his "skeletons" before my mother even found them. I am sounding retarded so I will shut up.

Being Realistic.

Now that the Silly me has left and the over-thinking me is back I am really starting to wonder what I am doing. Sometimes I think it is for the best that I just quit this whole Brady Bunch Thing, the fact that my mother does not approve is also wearing. I know it looks bad, no one needs to tell me that. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a definate adjustment. I am used to lack of communication, I am used to Negetivity, I am used to being Used. In a weird way I am missing AJ in retrospect, I kinda miss him not talking, not getting in my way, and just expecting sex in return pretty much. That was SOOOOO much Easier. I seem to go in waves, I like him, or I just want him to disappear. In some ways I do feel like I am kind of being used for what I have I am not so stupid as to think that if I were not so successful that I would have much of anyone "come-a Callin". I just think this whole "playing house" thing is a mistake and I thought that I did not want to do something like this again. Whatever happened to normal dating??? Or does that die when you have children??? I should so not be even writing any of this down because SOME ONE will probably tell Kelly I dislike him and then I will have to deal with that drama. However, I do believe it is smart of me to be thinking about these things, I am not some dumb teenager with nothing to lose, I have a lot, I have kids, and I have worked VERY HARD to get where I am now. Though it may not look like much.

Something Stupid

*5 things you are wearing*
1. A Bra
2. Underwear
3. Jeans
4. Black T-Shirt
5. Red Undershirt
*5 things you can see*
1. A cheese Horn my mother gave Caiden
2. my peripherals
3. My Homework that I should be doing
4. Some Flash Cards I use for the Kids
5. My Calculator
*5 things you are doing right now*
1. wondering why i'm doing this
2. Trying to Ignore Dora The Explorer
3. Thinking
4. Typing this
5. Hoping there are not a thousand people at the Store before I get there
*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. A yogurt
2. A little Popcorn
3. A piece of Zucchini Bread
4. Cereal
5. Candy bar
*5 things you did so far today*
1. Showered
2. Dressed Kids
3. Talked a lot
4. Cleaned the floor
5. Had a Headache
*5 things you can hear right now*
1. Dora the Explorer
2. the refrigerator
3. nothing
4.
5.
*5 colors you can see*
1. white
2. black
3. sky blue
4. dark blue
5. Green
*5 thoughts in your head*
1. "Why do I feel Nauseous?"
2. "My tonsils are huge"
3. "What am I going to do if AJ finds out?"
4. "How do I get back in my Mothers Good Graces?"
5. "Why do I even care about any of that crap??????"
*5 things you would like to do in your lifetime*
1. Be divorced
2. Eventually Re-Marry for all the Right Reasons NOT IN THE COURTHOUSE
3. Have a Nicer Home
4. Finish School
5. Raise My children into Great Adults.

Evolution-

I did something great, I read all the old posts and decided there is really not much there. Heidi says I need to make a post because things are "Different". So, I will begin with the day my bike got JACKED. Now, you may ask yourself "why on earth would someone steal a bike? And a kids bike for that matter, Out of MY BACKYARD??" Well, lets see-this person could either be A.) A tweaker or B.) Have some sort of real motive you wouldn't really know anything about unless the other Cul-de -Sac-ies told you about it because you live on the corner. It was I guess not even a week ago. But anyway, the stolen bike incident and the return of afore said "bike" resulted in something very UnExpected. The Thief spoke good peace talks on the phone out of Todd and Hedis House the Night of the Incident Promising to return the Bike the Next day. He said he really thought it was his daughters because she had had one just like it and it just up and dissappeared and he thought I had it because he had seen it in my front yard. Mr. Cul-de-Sac Man returned the bike as promised. (Here comes the unexpected part) So here I was Minding my own darn business over here on the corner, liking not living with AJ and having to deal with his "mess". Having just gotten back from my almost Ex Sister In Laws Wedding in Grandview on that Saturday and enjoying having AJ ignore his children. He said this to me, "Go and get your son they want to do pictures." I said, "Can you grab him please???? I am a little busy here." followed by him walking away. SELFISH COCKY S.O.B!!! wish I could flush your visitation. Back to the story- SO Mr. Cul-de-Sac man is also known as Kelly. So now he can have a name. We ended up talking forever-I have not done that since Alex. CRAZY. So there it went from there spending time talking and hanging out every single day with Mr. Kelly-and Mr. Kelly's 3 kids. He has a Caiden but it is spelled Kayden?? they are the same age just about. He also has a 3 Year old named Kayla and a 4 year old I think named Kiersten. Good kids. However messed up thier schedule is now. I like them all though I would love to get a project together for the kids to do together I think they would really enjoy it a lot. Mr. Kelly is 31 years old. In talking together about our dissolved marriages I have been enlightened to the fact that my marriage sucked (not that I didn't know that) But in More ways than I had formerly known. Which is nice and depressing and now I am pretty sure I have a massive complex about married life in general. On Weds I think it was some Counselor called. I was not very receptive having attempted to try and get AJ to go to any type of counseling before I even filed for divorce and was rather PO-ed that now that I was oh about 20-30 days from things being final I was getting this call to "go and visit" to bring my Craptastic Marriage back from the Brink of Divorce. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO AJ. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM. I DO NOT WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME EVER. I think this whole counselor thing may have soemthing to do with the fact that he lives in a Camper in the work parking lot and is quite possibly not getting Laid. Getting Laid is the most important thing in the world to AJ other than of course the Internet and Butt-Sitting. So, I am still Talking and Hanging out with Mr. Kelly and his kids. I really like this guy and his "baggage". And I am pretty certain he likes Me and my "baggage." All I can say is that I enjoy his company and I hope that we can "give it a go" when the divorces are all final. Its funny how things happen sometimes.

Today was...

Today is my Dad's Birthday. I tried to call to tell him happy Birthday but alas, he did not answer the phone so I guess we are back at square one. The babies are asleep and I had to Re-Submit my essay for english 102. hooray! I have Tyson till 9pm tonight and thats just fine with me-Gives me something to do. On a side note-I was reading an old entry and discovered my birthday is comming up. I keep forgetting that and I am really not so sure as to why. Things like Birthdays and Holidays just don't really matter to me anymore I suppose.

Cul-de-Sac Blues.

Well well well....I am not sure what to say because I am not actually sure if anything happened except for a whole lot of allusions to almost nothing. HEIDI!!!!!!!TODD!!!!! If there is nothing to say why oh why do you make the wheels in my head turn??????? Are you actually trying to make me more crazy??!! Is that the plan?? Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And Just FYI: I AM NOT GOING TO FALL OFF THE WAGON FOR SOME GUY!!!!!! I THINK THE AJ EXPERIMENT PROVED THAT MUCH!!!! I know what I know and nothing is going to change that, even if you don't believe me.

ANYWAY-So magic Dad and Wendi Showed up this weekend which was nice. However awkward it is at first. I think it is so awkward because I feel as though we do not really know eachother. They went with me to Grandview for the wedding experience. and it was good to have them there for that the kids seem to really get along well with them and it was great to have the extra hands being as AJ was busy being AJ. My mother has taken up smoking again, it's real cute to watch a cancer patient with Marlbro. Oh well, I can't make her quit and there is not much I can do to help her do it except for be supportive. Clif and I picked a bunch of apples from the pasture down the road it's nice to do that kind of stuff. The horse and I made friends again, this school and work thing is really putting a damper on my Horse-ing.

You Make me...

You make me Complete. You make me COMPLETELY MISERABLE.

I am not nearly as dumb as I thought I was. I remebered my password. Not much has changed, except now I know my divorce will be final on the 8th of October. I think I figured out a way to beat the lonely place and it has something to do with the TV. I am ebay-ing my wedding ring. AJ wants to have sex still even though we are getting divorced, stating, "Well, it's better than the alternative." That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. On a side note-going on walks with 11 kids is probably a ridiculous sight to see.

Findings...

AJ still has a lawyer in employ. I have no idea why this is since he is filing uncontested divorce with me. Perhaps he enjoys the sight of money going down the toilet. He still owes my lawyer 350-this is in the paperwork he will be served in the lawyers office. Whatever AJ. You are a MORON. Glad I am not going to be your wife anymore. We also fought over the fact that he says he will watch the kids when I am in Class but seems to never be avaliable. And this crap about how he will be with kids sunday evenings??? NEVER HAPPENED. I do not understand this at all.

HRM...

These kids have been playing on the "dirt Mountain" across the way for about 4 hours now. I stained the deck yet again. I painted rolling hills in green in hannah's room. I used Goof Off to remove the deck stain on my legs and on the kids. I am contemplating heading over to Ridley's. I am not sure if I am going to Christa's Wedding. I probably should. AJ paid me to Pay His bills. I'm kinda in a weird place today. I just feel like being alone kinda, but not really alone, yah know? I feel like being around someone who wants me around. And I guess I am already there. With the kids, they need me around though, not sure if they want me here. I think I may stay home tommarrow too, except for church. I don't really want to bug my mom I am sure she has stuff she wants to do. Life is pretty pathetic when your only options for people who want you around are your kids..and maybe your mom. oh well. =(

The Polls are In!

I have come to the conclusion that I will be alone forever due to the female to male ratio in the state of Idaho. I had a good thing going for me when I bagged one, Alas, He wasn't such a good catch but he had all the right parts. Bummer deal for me now. I believe my option of finding another potential mate is slim to none so I better start hoping AJ changes real quick or decide I really can deal with it forever. MY OPTIONS SUCK. life is tough when you are stuck pushing a baby stroller. But I love my kids more than anything so I keep telling myself it is okay to be alone. This alone I speak of is not the alone of the last 2-3 weeks it is the alone of finalized Divorce Decree, it is a potentially unending period of alone. SO the way I figure it, I better get really sucked down into God, and forget I ever liked Guys. yeah, good plan. In addition to that, if I do ever find a "date" other than a girl I am not sure how I am going to function (especially if he is a good LDS guy) because to me Sex is potentially a big part of dating so I need to square that one away before I ever get in such a situation. this previous sattement goes along with the "loose yourself in GOD" theory.
Well, Other than contemplating my personal life's demise, I am having trouble extracting funds from AJ. But I knew this would happen. Also, good new on the horizon, Heidi, I have my single child. YAY!!!! Also, something strange-Heather and Jodie Invited me to go the the Fair with them and thier kids. I went, it wasn't that great, but I only spent 20 dollars so that is a bonus. I realized they must have a smoke break every 20 minutes, and also that I can weave through crowds with ease even with my Gigantic Stroller. The fair is like a Greasy Trailer Trash Party Gone Wild. Its okay, but not great. I wasnt planning on going there in the first place but I guess it disrupted my routine. Which is alright I suppose, maybe I need to loosen up a bit.

ooo-RAH!

and now i am updating for the sake of updating alone. I am going to class tonight, the Bishop was all to understanding. I BLAME TODD. It seems like whenever I go to the Bishop TODD had LEAKED INFORMATION. Heidi makes me sad, she refuses to wait to go work out with me. Its's okay I know I am lame. I yelled at the neighbor boy for running and shooting his bee bee gun in my yard. I AM GOING TO GET EGGED. I need a weapon I have decided now that I am going to be alone forever. I would make a good target, plus I really want to protect my children with something other than A butcher knife. Huzzah! I am going to be a probably 22 year old by then, Divorcee. isn't that something.

You and me, and Me and You...

Well, well , isn't this convenient? I am not sure how well the bills are going to be paid for the month of september. Also, AJ and I have come to agree upon divorce. We met today to figure in a few little tidbits to wind it up nice and tight before I visit Mr. Laywer Man tomarrow. It was weird, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing for him. I was expecting to feel hurt or abandoned or something, but I looked at him, Whom I had drug out of the PressBox, and just felt NOTHING. On a high/low point, I get to meet with the Bishop Tomarrow Night. I am not sure what to tell him...Probably something along the lines of, "Hey, me and AJ don't live together anymore. And I saw a lawyer today and I am getting a very mutal divorce. Though I am a little nervous about having enough cash all year long... Oh and BTW sorry for being mad at you for about 2 weeks or something..." it will be awesome. And School tonight was okey dokey.

day 7

here on day 7 I am losing a little of my resolve. But I do think God has given me an answer so I will trust in that. I think I am wavering mostly due to the fact that I am a little scared to be alone forever. I have issues surrounding my worth as a partner and things and I of course have "baggage" and lovely "stretch marks" that will haunt me untill I die, no matter how skinny I get. I just am having trouble seeing a future for myself personally. Even if I never find anyone else I can just try and lose myself in God. That could be easily done I suppose. The kids have started playing "mommy daddy" games but otehr than that I do not hear a word about "Daddy". Caitie has gotten herself against the wall and I should go get her. Well, thats the Update for today, oh, and I have started school, having some techinical difficulties but I am very suprised to see how slow things are moving compared to the Summer semester.

Aj Loves me this I know...

AJ I think has hopped the Hate train. Yesterday he Txt Messaged me "This is your Rollercoaster, Now RIDE IT. I will be Civil about the kids and about Bills, but other than that I don't want to talk." YAY. I also talked to his mother and she apparently knows about the Melba event. Thankyou Casey. But I think she believe I am making the right decision.

Day Four

Today I took the kids over to see AJ at work. It went good, Aj only paid 100 for ChildSupport. But I suppose that is okay for now. I was pathetic last night and I called him and asked him if he wanted to be married and that I did want to be married and he told me he didn't know anymore and that he really really did not like me. I just am so torn between what is good for everyone and what I should do... Also, I am to meet with his mother tomarrow after the Temple Dedication which I do not believe I will be able to attend being as I have no husband. And AJ likes to ignore my calls. I am not sure what she wants...I bet Heidi that she will want to talk about the Wedding Arrangements. Heidi is Betting on Keeping the Family together. Aj told his motehr about this yesterday, he told her I was getting a divorce and that she needed to tell CHrista as to not ruin her wedding...Whatever.
It is my mom's Birthday, We got her an elephant with the trunk pointing up for good luck. She thought it was funny.

what was that?

after spending hours of today sobbing and having a panic attack ove the fact that AJ had summoned me to meet his lawyer. I walk in to see him looking quite solemn. He turns to me and says, "Is this Really what you want??" And I have to say, I wanted to say no out of habit maybe? I fought it and said " yeah, I do because we are in a pattern and I do not believe it will be broken." It was a lame answer. but i think it was the best one. I hate it when he does his sad face. He did it the last time I got serious about leaving and I gave in...Now look at us? I just do not see him changing. Plus the fact that he has been nasty and not returning phone calls and just plain not giving a crap tells me a lot about him. He obviously doesn't care for me enough to change.

+Day Three+

This is the Technical Day three of this "separation" . I have resolved to file for Divorce as soon as I get things situated. I talked to Jodie about Legal Aid and looked at her Divorce papers. I feel as though there is nothing to wait on. Also, I tried to call him last night. He did not answser. He did not call back. He has noinquired about the kids either. I feel rejected for all of us. His Brother DAve, IM'ed me thinking it was "us" last night, so I told him waht was up and he said that AJ's refusal to tell his own family is a sign of Guilt. I think he is right. Also, he said that I have a "team" and He is on it. He said that just because Aj is his Brother doesn't mean he is right. I still am in an upheval of whether or not all of the problems were just in my head. Were they??? Am I crazy?? I have no idea. all I know is I am alone now, and he is not at all interested in the kids. funny how things turn out.

What is it??!!

What is this Nagging Feeling making me queasy???

Day Two-

this is officially day two. I had the best nights sleep I have had in a VERY LONG TIME. I am enjoying waking up to Happy Music and being able to wake up lie in bed and have a prayer Before I get up instead of being pestered. Also, I noticed that the Bedroom no longer seems to have some sort of "funk" smell. Maybe it was AJ??? I also seem to require a lot less food output for major meals and have a lot less dishes. How Strange.

So, the only bad things are that it is REALLY QUIET. Which is stranage but other than that I think I am doing well....I feel guilty about him sleeping in his Truck, but I do think that was part of his Master Plan. He did not HAVE TO Sleep in his truck. Anyway, I am now to the point that I am not sure that I want him back in this house to bring in his funk and his mess. I have been Praying at least 3 times a day about what to do, and I think the Lord wants us to be apart because when I look to him he seems to just wash me in this "Calm" and when I think about what AJ wants and Needs I have this Gut wrenching nervous thing. I hope that I am not letting my emotions rule whatever I chose to do because that would be a mistake of a Lifetime. The kids are actually doing GREAT. They really haven't noticed that he is missing so maybe thats a sign....

Day One-

Day one is as follows starting from the night he left.
~Washed Sheets
~Cleaned Room and Moved into Entire Dresser
~Mopped all Surfaces in House
~Vacuumed
~Did Dishes
~Did Left Over LAundry
~Made Beds
~Watched Olympics
~Went to Bed With Pillow Behind Back
~Slept Fitfully
*The Morning After*
~Woke Up To AJ's Rock Music-Promptly Turned it off and Decided It must be Changed to COuntry
~Found Children In Living Room
~Started Brkfst
~Showered after COnsidering NOT showering (It had already been almost 3 days)
~Contemplated if I am depressed or not, the not showering suggests Depression.
~Dressed and Dressed Children.
~Did Hannahs Hair.
~Kids Showed Up
~Decided to Document this
~Mom Called, Said if AJ is talking like it is a Divorce then I need to get my "ducks in a row". He has to Buy me out of the HOuse....=(
....I think maybe we should just do a Divorce, it doesn't really seem like he wants to work for anything....I am concerned that he will get all petty if that happens though. My mom says I cannot expect him to pay on a second for a house he doesn't own. But in all actuality most of the debt in there is from him so I think it would be fair to half it. There is a lot more to this than just dividing up the stuff, Most of it is my mothers and my grandmothers. He can have the couches and the TV and his DVDS but nothing else really belongs to him sooooo.....I dunno. By the time I get my head around this I am not going to want him back, and maybe he feels the same way.

Oh and...

I forgot to mention that I sobbed like a baby on Sunday....Yeah, it was cute.

What?

So, here I am confused. Not too sure about why I have decided we should separte today but I am sure I had/have some good reasons. But, he seems as though he is well on his way past "resentment" and exiting off' the "HATE" off Ramp. So I think I need to think about why I am doing this and write down the reasons in order to avoid being confused any further.
~I do not like him nor dislike him (Ambivalent)
~We are not a Partnership (we do absolutely nothing together)
~He Refuses to take an active role in his homelife (Even when I leave the kids here with him he props them in fron tof the TV and games the whole time.)
~He is Very Extrteme (Either Super Dad for everyone else or Angry Man 2000here at home)
~I actually like being alone and never want to come home after church to be in the house with him all day.
~We used to argue whenever he was home, now we just live in separate spaces while I provide his basic needs. (To me he is Another thing on my list of things to Do)
~We are generally not friends. he seems to have no interest whatsoever in anything I have to talk about and refuses to do thingfs wiuth us that do not include a TV. (Or his Family)
~He is Rude to my Entire FAMILY, he makes them feel so unwelcome when they have come over that they refuse to spend holidays here or invite him places.
~He Expects me to put out and Yells at me and Camplains when I do not Get my Birth Control Immediately.
~He Yells all the time and beats on things.
~I do not believe he really wants to be Married.

Sooooo....I apparently have some issues I need to resolve about our relationship. But I do not want him living in his Truck that is just ridiculous. School Starts on Thurs. for the kids. Thank God for Heidi or I would never know anything.
My school starts on the 25th. I am TERRIFIED. So many changes lately and I am not sure waht happened to cause them all, it's like I just snapped and had some sort of a Mid Life Crisis. Too bad I am only 21-going on 22.

WWW.idiot-husband.COM

YAY! I still hate my husband. He is an IDIOT to the En-th Degree...I tell him, hey we need to not spend money so we can Pay the Surgery Center Because they send us to collections everytime we are late. He says, "Yeah okay..." Apparently Yeah okay translates into " I HONESTLY DON"T GIVE A F@#$%!!" so now we have 26 dollars to make a pmt and that will still be 29 cents short of just paying the Interest. So I got to call them as soon as they opened and say, "Hey I can't pay you till Friday, can you please please not send me to collections???" The Lady said this is the only time and I have to have my pmt there by 9am on Friday. My Life Sucks. Holly says I don't seem "Happily MArried" I told her, "Could be Better, Could be Worse..." When is it actually going to get better. She also Enlightened me to the fact that it "Seems like I don't Get out Much..." HMMMMMMMM......Yeah, that would be true, yes I am a lonely home-body with a total of maybe 3 friends and 2 of the 3 are my Mother and my Grandmother. So yes, I AM LAME. Yes, MY LIFE IS SAD. Yes, MY HUSBAND DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Yes, He feels entitled because he has "a real job" as he Lovingly Reminds me. I really don't know what I am doing being married to him.... I think I need to leave but it just seems easier to deal with it.

So Much For the Afterglow....

You put yourself in stupid places Yes I think you know it's true

Situations where it's easy to look down on you

I think you like to be the victim

I think you like o be in pain

I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day

You do what you do You say what you say

You try to be everything to everyone

You know all the right people

You play all the right games

You always try to be everything to everyone

Yeah you do it again You always do it again

You say they taught you to read and write

Yeah they taught you how to count

I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound

I think you like to be their simple toy

I think you love to play the clown

I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

Oh by the way this one ^up there it's Everclear not that that Matters, but it reminds me what an Idiot I am when I listen to it...

The first star I see may not be a star.We can't do a thing but wait.So let's wait for one more.The time such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.I'm careful but not sure how it goes....You can loose yourself in your courage.The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.This is what she says gets her through it:"If I don't let myself by happy now then when?"If not now when?When the time we have now ends.When the big hand goes round again.....Can you still feel the butterflies?Can you still hear the last goodnight?Close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.

And this one ^up here is Jimmy Eat World Off the Clairity Album.....not that you care but, it reminds me to let go and just be happy for once no matter if it's just for a minute...And it Represents the Chris Era. but that doesn't matter-Jimmy Changes with me....

Anyway, so this is what goes on when I am mostly alone with my Thoughts....We get a little Nostalgic and start thinking about the Library of Song Lyrics in Our head. SO there it is.....

Uhhhh...and this is supposed to be christian "love"???

So, sad to say it but yes, I did go to the Dark Side and did some Reconnaissance work. On my Tour of "the Mormons are Diluted" Land I learned that Apparently all Mormon men Like to Sexually Abuse their daughters..(Or at least most of them) Also that it's cute to put Mormon Garments and Temple Clothing Including Ceremonial things and put them up for People the Look at all the While says, "yeah, now isn't that something.." I do not believe that this is the Proper way to "convert" Mormons. This is Crass and Pathetic that one must use underwear to prove a Point. WHats chritian about making fun of somebody???!!!Also, this load of Poo about how she could never do Baptisms for the Dead or get a Patriarchal Blessing Because she wouldn't bear her testimony is worthless to me. I know for a fact that Bearing your Testimony is Not a Necessity to receive those Blessings.....Also, what is this Sheet with the hole for the head so they can touch you naked and bless the body parts???? Oh well, so yes, I may have done wrong by going to this function under the premise I may learn something. Instead, I came out with an arm load of material and quite enraged. So now Julee's Sister want ME to go to Church With her on Sunday.....I think I may Disappear, plus I said I didn't like her boss who was my old boss so that was dumb of me....

Retard

I cannot understand my Brother. I only have one. I leave messages he doesn't return them it's not like I'm going to beat him up or something. I seem to have a simmilar effect on my father as well, which is needless to say, depressing. Why I continue to contact them is beyond me, if I was anything like either of them they would only be good to me as memories. Oh well.
So some one finally put the fire out inside my head. I decided I needed to go back to basics and read my scriptures. My scriptures apparently do not Like me. I opened up to Titus in the New Testament where it desribed the Nature of a Bishop. HRM! And then I read the Book of Mormon, which happened to be a section I had underlined that pretty much said, "Had you been living as God commanded you then you will have peace if not then well it sucks to be you..." Thanks...So I am not sure that I was not necesarily living as ought to be in the present but the Happening that Made me mad at the "man in the suit" AKA the Bishop. sooooooo.....yeah.

I See....

I see that a Certain Someone has been Commenting on my posts. Thanks for the Support Mystery Woman. By the Way I Wrote the Last One Before you Called to See if I was Mad at you, I actually thought it was the other way around, that you were mad at me or something. So, thats why I wrote that I could quite possibly be losing only Friend.

Anyway, so I think I might Go to this Bible Study Class at Night and still maintain my LDS church goings and commings maybe that way I can feel more complete in my studies who knows. I will probably go on Church Tour with my Grandmother as to appease her though and I am nbot sure how many I will be touring.

Oh, something Exciting, Julee Called to Invite me to an Anti-Mormon (which is of course not what they call it) Conferencethe Light House. to "learn more about the mormon culture". I don't think I will go, I have enough Anti Material in my own house and it might just make me angry plus then I would be "affiliating with groups that denounce the Church" So that wouldn't help my case now would it?

I feel so wierd right now, just kinda Lost. But in all actuality I lost all Direction in April and have been just "faking it till I make it" back around the Bend. What the Crap is Going on? Should I go to the Bishop and Say I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?????!!!!!

This is What Happens.....

The morning after is just like anyother, full of doubt. I am almost sure that I will be losing friend. Also, I am feeling unsure about most everything. Who is right and who is Wrong?? This stupid war that has been ripping me apart inside has escaped. If only I could mash them all together and make my own religion. Unfortunately I cannot. Then I think "what is so big about religion anyway?! WHO CARES!" I'm not a very Good Mormon. I would make a better whatever I was before. At least I know what I am talking about that way.

Red Rimmed Eyes and Saying Goodbye

The End of an Era.

I am done trying to be perfect. I am done trying to live up to the golden standard that I cannot achieve due to the fact that I have NO IDEA what I am reaching for anymore. So thats that. The straw that broke the camels back I want my kids to know what I know. And No one should judge but God and God alone. There is a serious and profound problem that has been growing over the last 5 months and now it has overgrown its little box in my head. Years and Years of Bible Doctrine building up for the last almost 22 years of my life have exploded and smashed my feeble mormon doctrine into little bits of goo. God is God. God Loved me when I was a crackhead, God loved me when I was a whore. Cheers! to the end of an era and the renewal of the old fire, and to a new appreciation for something different.

not Knocked Up

My House Smells Like Spackle. And BTW Heidi, I am going to finish the darn book and you should too if you haven't already. It's time for this to end we need to move on.

I started my I am going to demolish my house and start all over again thing today. There is a good chance I may end up with my own mountain in the Magic Valley Landfill.

My kids are suprisingly not trying to kill eachother. I want Pizza. Good Pizza.

I changed my curtains so now they are Sage Green Panels with two Scarves intertwined that are sheer off white and dark brown.

I need to mow the darn lawn.

Strange

Today is Slow-ish. Jordan and Kenna Are NOT HERE. Which is almost like a new experience because they are always here. It's a little starnge being here without them attacking me with questions, making sure I am doing everything on schedule. Oh well...Marlee is here late today, and I was STUPID and accepted more kids but they will be after schoolers only and every other week so kinda like Owen. Hannah Stole the Cereal box off the counter and is doing a terrible job of hiding it from me.

I decided that I do not want to go to Christa's Wedding/Love Fest 2008. She is having a 3 ring circus for a wedding including-SEALING-RING CEREMONY-RECEPTION. OMG. Whatever, I just think people should not go so overboard. I don't do well with the PDA and the Gazing at Eachother crap. I should be more accepting I suppose, but weddings, gah! Weddings!!!???

Our Wedding cost a whopping 20 bucks!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! and no one was there, if I had to do it over I probably would do an actual Wedding Wedding but not the 3 for 1 deal. Weddings are just an excuse to get free stuff from people(because no one wants to watch you get all goopy and make out). And those Gift Registries are a JOKE. the stuff people put on them is just outrageous. NO, I do NOT want to BUY YOU a bedroom set. Or a 60 dollar toaster!! You can go shopping at the DI just like everyone else!!! go get yourself a dollar pack of silverware to supply your drawer. Makes you tough. HA,HA,HA. (so much for the being nice....) And the whole "we want to wait before we have kids...." JUST HAVE KIDS. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT TIMING!!!!

I tried to add a Slide Show

..BUT, it is at that Bottom..The End

It is Terrible

My house sounds like this today..."WAAAAAHHHHHH,WA,WAAAAAAAAAA, (insert annoying squeal) AHAHAHAHWAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" And what does baby want?? NOt Bottles. Nothing. Just to SCREAM untill SOmeone PICKS HER UP....NOT picking HER UP. Train the Baby, don't let the Baby Train you. She's Full, Clean, and Angry. And I hold her, but she doesn't need it all the time. It's magic as soo as you begin to lift her she shuts up so that why I am NOT GIVING IN. GEEE WIZ. it's been how many hours of this?? oh, about 3. She woke up and just hasn't quit. Oh well.

Kenna is plaing with the mini Barn Animals on the Bar in the Kitchen. Caiden and Caleb are talking about something. Hannah keeps spitting so she has been in Time Out a lot today. Jordan is passed out and so Is Tyson. Marlee already Left. and Baby is, as you know, SCREAMING. I read the reviews on this Book I am Reading and Everyone Hates it because of the "anti-femminist" message of that you can be happy with being married and having a Baby at 18. ITS A BOOK. I was married at 18 and pregnant and I am rather functional so what does that say about me??? AM I not good for the Feminist Movement? DO I NOT make a GOOD Example of what to do these days?? Who knows, I think I am doing well for my age and circumstances. But according to Book Reviewers I am a "Bad Message all Tied Up with a Bow."

Welcome to the Weekend

Today I did my dork thing-I showed up bright and early at Barnes and Noble to get the Dun-Dun-DUHH-Last Twilight Series Book. Yes, it is juvenile and Teenagery.
Weekends are usually my time to go completely insane and start and finish insanely huge projects that are more fit to a mans "thing to do". Example from Today-I mowed the lawns like I always do, then I started going through some scrapped Fencing I have around and decided today is a good day to start rebuilding a fence for the front yard. Mind you, here where we live we are not allowed to water the dirt to be able to dig post holes. Also I am missing about 20ft of fencing to go completely around the front. In addition to that my crazy little brain was stormin' up ideas on how to somehow strap the 16' fence sections to the roof of my MiniVan as well as rent a post hole digger and fit that in there.....With my Two kids.....Lucky for me,and my kids for that matter, My Mother Called and evaluated my plans for the day and decided that I was going with her to Burley. She tends to think that I never stop moving and "doing, always doing. Don't you ever just SIT???!!!" My original plan for this weekend was to get a deck sander and sand the deck and re stain it for the season....Not sure how I went from that to Fencing....So, now I have oh, about 20' of fencing laid out in my front yard taunting me....I am almost certain that I will end up completing this project sooner Rather than later. My house is always the loudest on the weekends since my kids are either trying to kill each other or playing in the loudest way possible. But it's good noise, it's great to have kids. In fact, I wouldn't mind having one more.

Today

I ordered a BC for a Daycare mom but the original site I wanted to use said it had errors so I regretably had to use my second choice. Now this would be great except for the fact that it has no actual pricing on it and the confirmation email they sent also had NO info of that sort. So I told the Daycare mom to take it out of my pay if it was a crazy ammount of money and/or if it didn't show up. Also, today I ment "screamin' Owen" at the door with a Popcicle and this great thing happened-HE DIDNT CRY-at all. it was great. Did I mention I was potty training Caiden? I am and I need more undies for him. So thats my fun for the day up until now-ish.

Nudist Camp in My Backyard

There is a Nudist Camp here in my home. My neigbor Heidi thinks it would be funny to post pictures of it. She also kindly added in that the "Child Porn Addicts" would love me, so I must decline. Today we went for a walk as a large unit. Caiden ditched his bike a quarter of the way through and then proceeded to stand and stare at teh water drainoff from teh subdivision sprinklers. Heidi says, "He just like to watch the action.." I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much and I should let him be his own kid but sometimes I get so impatient. I need to pray for an extra helping of patience. Hannah has just had some sort of epiphany about the pedals on her tricycle and decided it is a good time to figure them out. Thus she and Caiden were moving at about the same rate of speed while everyone else was Zooming ahead. Did I mention that the "regulars" like to swim at 10 am? starting at 9 the kids start trying to escape out side if we haven't already gone on a walk and saying, "are we gonna swim??" "can we get in the pool?" until I give in a fill it up then they proceed to strip naked on the back deck and jump in this freezing cold pool at say "AHHHHHHHH it COLD!!!!" It's probably not funny to anyone but me but no matter how much I try and reason with them, even the oldest at 6 doesn't seem to care that everyday the pool is really cold at 10 am and everyday they say the same thing. Other than the frustrating walk and the icy pool we have been doing "shape paintings" I like those better than regular paper plus it kinda builds "coloring in the lines" type of skills. I am having really hard time holding back the Pre School material for the Fall, but I know I need to have a Summer Curriculum and a School Curriculum. Since its a Short week in the way of how many kids I am trying desperately to save the big projects for the full week next week.
Yesterday AJ's truck "broke" aka-he didn't put gas in it. He says he did but honestly I don't see how you can blow through 40 bucks worth of gas going 8 miles a day in 4 days. He says, "It's just time for a new car...It must just be not using the gas right". Who knows, I think he is full of crap. And it doesn't help him that he has a track record of lying about stupid things. Either way I am going to take the truck myself and fill it up. And get more Lawn Mower Gas. Also he is Irritated with the church. He think they are pushing too much. We got invited to go to a Family Workshop Class During the Sunday School Hour though I am not sure if he will go being as he doesn't go to church with me and the kids to begin with. I have to remember to be Nice, and Pray.

History

So this is the Official Babysitter Bootcamp and Ridley Family Blog. First off you need to know who we are and what we are about.
Here it goes:
My name is Nicole Ridley I am a Libra, My name means Overcommer/Victory of the People, I love my Children I am a convert of 1.5 yrs to the LDS church and am loving every minute of it.
My Husbands name is Alden (AJ) Ridley, He is a Scorpio, He is named after the barrelmaker Jon Alden, He is LDS but has somewhat "fallen off the Wagon" and gone inactive. But alas, he is my husband.
Our Daughter is Hannah Ridley, she is a Scorpio, she is going on 3. He name means Graceful-which she is anything but when she throws her terrible red-headded tantrums. She along with her brother attend church with me on sundays. She is very good at praying at home-not sure about nursery.
Our Son is Caiden Ridley he is also a Scorpio, he will be 2. His name has no meaning (I know because I just looked it up) He is a great talker for his age and has always been a quick boy. He is VERY VERY BOY.
My Husband and I did not meet under fairy tale circumstances nor were we wed in such a manner-IE the twin falls county courthouse. But through all of our trouble and differences I believe that we have done rather well and have been gradually moving forward in our relationship. However religion has become a rather large barrier between us, not that we don't have other issues, or that our relationship is fantastic. Our marriage has three people involved; He, I and God.
We live in Idaho in a great little town-wish I spent less time running to Twin and more time exploring my options right here. It's nice to support the "little man." My husband fancies himself a mechanic/driver for a long haul trucking outfit about 4 miles from where we live. He loves farming stuff though and when we go anywhere near a harvest or a field he is trying to tell me how to swath a field or what not. I do wish he would find something he really liked to do. I have an In Home Daycare that is doing rather well. I also have worked quite a bit as a CNA. Here in daycare land we are very scheduled for the most part. And I do believe that this consistency give the children something to look forward to. My children like living in a daycare for the most part but Caiden especially does not understand why when the other kids bring personal toys he cannot touch them while he must share everything. All I can say is that I hope they do not end up emotionally damaged. We LOVE DORA THE EXPLORER. If they made Spanish this much fun when I was in school I would have mastered it by now. And contrary to my mothers opinion I believe that it is necessary to at least know some Spanish today. Even though "This is America! Speak English!" So thats about it. I have no idea where my camera cord is so I will post pictures later.