Hey you want to know what is really really cool???? Being me. You wanna know why??? Because my family seems to have a knack for finding all the dirt availiable on a person. Including somehow endingup working with someone who went to HS with Kelly and His family and somehow they decide to talk about all the crap he did in HS. So guess what happens next?? My Mother call me and says, "So I guess you found yourself another Brian. Another Hoodlum. Heard from this guy that he soked a lot of pot and stole a lot of stuff and got in a lot of trouble. Hope he changed, though I do not believe people do, because the grass is Not Greener on the other side of the Fence Nicole. You Need to Call Clif." COME ON PEOPLE. HS was how many years ago???? How Old is He Now?? Give a Guy a Break. The more this happens the more unsure I get, the worse things look the more nervous I am the more guilty I feel about it the more I want to have it stop. Then my mother calls me after I talk to Clif because Clif says I sounded Pissy, well lets see you call me to tell me crap about this guy I like that I already know, that I know makes him only look worse than he already does which will only get me a "YOU NEED TO LOOK AROUND NICOLE." All while I have a billion kids running around and I am trying to get stuff done. So yeah, maybe I am a little pissy because I am sick of being told to shop around. I WAS NEVER SHOPPING TO BEGIN WITH. If you want me to go back to AJ just say it outright because all this is ridiculous. And SO WHAT IF A THIRTY SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN HAS A JUVENILE RECORD AND A LOT OF SPEEDING TICKETS AS LONG AS HE HOLDS A JOB AND TAKES CARE OF HIS STUFF LOVES HIS KIDS AND IS RESPONSIBLE??????!!!
I am sick of all this judgemental CRAP. Yeah AJ doesn't have a record. Yeah he is a Good Ol' Boy. He is a nice guy most of the time but a litte slow-however that doesn't excuse all the crap between us. He has issues and he needs help and always have and my Greatest Mistake with him was thinking I alone could fix him. He needs to know himself. He needs to be okay with that first.
Oh, while on the "I Know Who I Am" Kick I should put who I am in here: I am Too Independant, too opinionated though I keep alot of stuff inside that I should not like the fact that I would like to have a healthier relationship with my family. I feel guilty about almost everything. There is something wrong with that but I know where it comes from and I have been this way since I can remeber. I have a tendancy to try and make everyone happy. I have trouble saying NO. I am a pleaser. I love God. I always have had a Fear of God and I love that. I also have a Fear of god for my mother. which is unhealthy, I need to remember that no matter how high my mother sees herself she is human just as I am, and I am an adult. I realize that if I did what I wanted all the time I would have a thousand shoes and a billion different items of clothing and probably the same for my children and partner. I would also have name brand groceries. I would ALSO be in alot of DEBT. I am a mother, and I love them, I wish I could really know these little "unknowable people" that live in my house. I feel bad that I have lost sight of them somewhat because of my job. I have hopes and aspirations, I work hard and I plan things out. I should be more spontaneous and not in house project kind of way. I question and question everything people do and every move I make it over thought and calculated. BAD BAD STUFF but at least I understand why I do it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment