The L-Bomb.

Highlights from last night (because there always are highlights when AJ comes around): AJ wrote a letter-not just any letter mind you. A three pager-he hasn't written anything more than a check since I have known him. However he put time boxes all over it as if to prove that his efforts should be recognized, but it tells me that he spent a whole hour and ten minutes with the kids and the other 50 writting a love letter. He gets an A for effort though. Throughout the letter he proffessed his love for the kids and I. In fact he even decided to bring God into it, saying when he prays he feels like he is supposed to be with me. He said he would go to Anger Management and try and date me and not try to have sex and try and be friends and all that junk. If only for one more chance. I am just so angry when he does this-it's like I can feel nothing else but resentment and I hate that. I feel like I wasn't good enough then, wasn't worth the effort but now I am. Now that I have removed myself from him. And even when we separated it was not me who left him, but he who left me. When faced with the option of workingon things to be with me he chose to leave instead. What does that tell me?? And if I ever did go back to him what would that say about me? That I can be stepped on forever by AJ? That I like being treated like I am nothing and nobody? I resent him because he rejected me. I tried and tried and tried and did things to make him better to show I cared to prove to myself that I could fix it. I could make it work with him if only I could DO enough. Obviously I was just kidding myself and all I am left with is those memories and a lack of self worth and a confused view on human relations. And even now I am sorry that I am hurting him, I am sorry that I cannot do it over again. Heidi said that I would be back with AJ if Kelly had not come along, but I think that AJ would never have "come back" around if Kelly had never noticed me.
Kelly and I are going to try and go on a date tonight. And about the Kelly thing, I think we both are looking to the other as if they hold all the qualities and things that we needed in a relationship but never really had. Thats a lot of pressure to put on soemone, but I think that it is very possible that we may be exactly that to one another. The kids are excited about having a sleep over at grandmas (about the kids- I think they are doing fine and are happy for the most part I am just going a little crazy with all the whining and think I need to really do something about the way my kids communicate with me. Less whining-More Words.) and now I am going to beat the kids that are running and jumping off the beds. Good thing I type darn fast. =P My mother is telling me that she hopes that I am not trying to work things out with AJ because of Kelly-That is not the case. I am not working with AJ because I am not a sucker.