The Bravery

So, I told Kelly he can move in when his rent is up-heck I need the help with the income to bills ratio. I could use a roommate that is also a daycare income as well as helpful to me and that I have "those feelings" for. I am not sure as to how to break it to AJ though without making him VERY ANGRY again. But it's not like I can hide it when it happens-he has to do his visits here unless he gets a place here real quick or follows through with his I need to not see you or the kids plan. I think Kelly being around is actually kind of good for the Kids, he gives them attention and helps take the pressure off me to get everything done, we seem to work well together in that sense. This morning we talked about how I need to spend more time with my kids and be affectionate and I got some credit for doing better about that the last few days. I think it is the sharing of responsibility that is helping. I want to see my children. I want them to be special to me and have a well-adjusted life and I think I can make that happen by doing this. My ploy to get him to go to the LDS/any NON CONGLOMERATE CHURCH church continues to fail. Oh well. Oh by the Way TODAY is my Birthday. I am 22 now. It's been quite the wild ride.

WatashiWa.

So, what is new in theland of oh lets think....wannabe immorality and other such affairs?? Well, I will tell you. The Lighthouse has lost it's once was hold on Kelly. He says it is too big and would like to continue church touring. Which is fine with me. AJ cried in my lap yesterday. More than cried. Sobbed. I felt bad. Kayla was here and Kelly came to get her right before AJ came to visit and AJ saw Kelly Turn around to go back home and he flipped out. Then I put him in his place and told him "We are NOT married anymore. You can't do this to People! You can't poop on them and then expect them to be there forever. This is what you wanted and the only reason you even care now and now I am good enough for you is because I am not INVISIBLE." He claimed profusely this was not the case stating, "It was me who was not good enough for you." Which I rebutted with a, "Well, you sure had a crappy way of showing it." Yet another highlight from the weekend was the "I don't think we should talk anymore because we keep on arguing." statement from Kelly which resulted in........ME NOT TALKING........which was apparently not what he was going for....this was stated because we were talking about me watching his kids today (which I did) and how I was gonna see the "cabbage patch kid" and feel bad again...anyway so long story short I said, "Why don't you just go back to your wife?" which got me the afore mentioned statement about not talking and how I don't support "us".....I have my reasons for not supporting "us" and most of it stems from not wanting to "run over" people like the "cabbage patch kid" and "Mr. Penis Man (aj) " Anyway, so we argued and talked and talked and then it was resolved for the most part...I just saw "her" and it was okay because I am thinking of it as a business transaction. I Also did nothing with my hair or anything so I look like a frizz ball....which may help her new complex...I HOPE. AJ apperently is really thinking about commiting suicide. I really hope he does not, I cannnot handle soemthing like that, I hope his counselor will give him some meds to help with that... Oh, I am talking to Michelle again...I think it's because she is pregnant now though. =) haven't talked to Heidi in a long time it seems and I have parenting classes starting on weds. this is gonna be a busy next 2 weeks.

The L-Bomb.

Highlights from last night (because there always are highlights when AJ comes around): AJ wrote a letter-not just any letter mind you. A three pager-he hasn't written anything more than a check since I have known him. However he put time boxes all over it as if to prove that his efforts should be recognized, but it tells me that he spent a whole hour and ten minutes with the kids and the other 50 writting a love letter. He gets an A for effort though. Throughout the letter he proffessed his love for the kids and I. In fact he even decided to bring God into it, saying when he prays he feels like he is supposed to be with me. He said he would go to Anger Management and try and date me and not try to have sex and try and be friends and all that junk. If only for one more chance. I am just so angry when he does this-it's like I can feel nothing else but resentment and I hate that. I feel like I wasn't good enough then, wasn't worth the effort but now I am. Now that I have removed myself from him. And even when we separated it was not me who left him, but he who left me. When faced with the option of workingon things to be with me he chose to leave instead. What does that tell me?? And if I ever did go back to him what would that say about me? That I can be stepped on forever by AJ? That I like being treated like I am nothing and nobody? I resent him because he rejected me. I tried and tried and tried and did things to make him better to show I cared to prove to myself that I could fix it. I could make it work with him if only I could DO enough. Obviously I was just kidding myself and all I am left with is those memories and a lack of self worth and a confused view on human relations. And even now I am sorry that I am hurting him, I am sorry that I cannot do it over again. Heidi said that I would be back with AJ if Kelly had not come along, but I think that AJ would never have "come back" around if Kelly had never noticed me.
Kelly and I are going to try and go on a date tonight. And about the Kelly thing, I think we both are looking to the other as if they hold all the qualities and things that we needed in a relationship but never really had. Thats a lot of pressure to put on soemone, but I think that it is very possible that we may be exactly that to one another. The kids are excited about having a sleep over at grandmas (about the kids- I think they are doing fine and are happy for the most part I am just going a little crazy with all the whining and think I need to really do something about the way my kids communicate with me. Less whining-More Words.) and now I am going to beat the kids that are running and jumping off the beds. Good thing I type darn fast. =P My mother is telling me that she hopes that I am not trying to work things out with AJ because of Kelly-That is not the case. I am not working with AJ because I am not a sucker.

Robo Cop

Robo cop is sitting in front of my house...again. I get to go on a date this weekend...maybe if I can find someone to go with me...

Hello AJ, Good Read??

AJ discovered this Blogg. I guess it makes sense that he would. My family has made it my job to remind my she-male brother that he is a BOY, and not a GIRL. For some odd reason they are under the impression that I can be the one to make the Rude Comments. I am not sure about being the ambassador of shame. However I will continue to pray for him for the smae stuff I have always prayed for him-Wisdom ect. I kinda backed AJ into a corner last night and said some mean stuff because I really wanted to say "F*** You!!!" When he said that he wants me back and is so sorry and he didn't realize what he had. I used to feel bad but now I am growing a feeling and it looks a lot like Anger. I do not want to hear about how pretty I am or what wonderful things I did and now he wants it all back after he threw me out with the Mondays Trash and told me he'd come back for me when he was done having fun pretty much. You cannot fix that with a few nice phrases and the I'm sorries. No. No. No. I do not want that. I do not want to let him damage me. On a side note the Kelly thing is still building but in a "normal" way. He says he wants to have a relationship on every level-including spiritual, which would be nice because I have never had that. Plus it is nice to go to church with someone other than the kids. I think the Teacher is jumping on the Apathy train twards her husband. I talked to her a little about it this AM and she said, "My Give a Damn Is Busted." I told her, thats when you know things are really over. This is very unfortunate if it comes down to my situation, Tis the Season.

Go Fishing????

Todd says that Kelly and I need to "go fishing". Followed by something along the lines of "You must have hooked him pretty good...." I am not sure how exactly to take that so I will just let it roll-off. Things seem a little awkward between Heidi and I. I really wish it wasn't that way, but I cannot expect anything else really given the circumstances. Highlights from the last however long it has been: MY BROTHER IS A TRANSSEXUAL. (adam and steve(but steve wears a dress)) AJ WANTS TO BE WITH ME. (he calls and shows up lots, what about being divorced??) I AM NOT SELLING MY DARN HOUSE. I FIGHT WITH MY GRANDMA BECAUSE I AM TOO OPINIONATED ABOUT THINGS OF THE WORLD.(like my brother) MY MOTHER THINKS KELLY IS MY STALKER. (she is wrong) I AM OVERWHELMED AND DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM GOING TO COLLEGE. (at this point in time...)
I know what I want out a a relationship: Friend & Partner. THE END.
I still like Kelly (a lot) and I say mean things without thinking (a lot) which he thinks come from a real place (which they might but I really don't know) However that does not mean that they reflect my actual plan of action. If they did I would probably not have ever ended up where I am now and I am not saying that where I am now is a mistake because it really is not such a bad place to be. I do not want to go fishing. I never had any intentions of going fishing so I technically consider whatever "this" turns out as a very unexpected but very nice thing. Unless of course I am being completely retarded and have been sucked into something and will be discarded with last weeks garbage as soon as possible. (gee I am SOOOOO not paranoid.)

Stuff, like Things.

Went to Church at Amazing Grace With My Gma and Kelly and his Kids. Then we went to lunch. Gma says Kelly is "A Very Nice Man." Gma also says that things will be great as long as we go in the same direction we are right now. Perhaps this time away from one another is good for us.

I'm Just a Girl...for once...

So, Yesterday I discovered that A.) I AM CRAZY and B.) I AM ACTING LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD SCHOOL GIRL. In regards to option A. I told him about that one-he took it in a bad way at first but then I explained that it's just all the uncertainties and things that make this rollercoaster like thing that has bcome my daily life. I see him and it's all "YAY!" and then I am all "yay!" untill the afternoon and then it goes "WHAT AM I DOING???!!! along with some UNCERTAINTY and some GUILT about that fact that I do Like him as well as the I do not know what else to describe it but perhaps PARANOIA or jealousy????" And then I get to talk to or visit him and it's all "YAY" again. Now, the reason why this is making me so gosh darn NUTS is because I am used to being like this ___________ NOW I am like this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WHERE DID THE _________ GO?????!!!! I do not do well like this and I feel so out of control it is just insane that I am letting this have such an effect on me and seem almost unable to keep my "Cool". I am supposed to be doing this to SOMEONE ELSE!!! NOT the OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, so I explained this quite embarassing fact. I also added in that I do NOT do this, I DO NOT act like a crazy little school girl with her first crush. This Craziness is what caused me to OPEN UP to Heidi and I shouldn't have and Heidi does not care to know it but, I am OBVIOUSLY NUTS RIGHT NOW so you will have to EXCUSE my behavior. I will try not to be such a "GIRL" from now on...and BTW what is this "leg humping"???? story?? among other things???

Shoulder to the Wheel...

There is a random cat in my house-I blame my children. Had good peace talks with AJ, we are now getting along famously. Talked to Kelly-Decided we are unfit to be in any relationship because we will drown eachother in paranoia and questioning. My Grandmother is comming to town.

A Clean Break???

So. What does Nicole do now? Does she take this break as gift from God Alone and take it?? Or do I continue on?? I am completely torn between the two options as I usually am in making any major decision that involves people other than myself. AJ and I continue to fight. I told him I am broken and that seems to make me rather unfit for a relationship with a certain someone he is overly concerned about me and the kids being around. I am broken in the sense that I am trained to function in certain way, I am not overly open, and that seems to make me hard to read and hard to deal with. When things happen I withdraw even further yet into myself and do not like to be touched nor do I like to talk about it. There are no words to describle the shame that goes with selfishness. I am generally not that way at all and generally have a lot of self control so of course I am shamed and embarassed that I would chose for Myself instead of for the Benefit of Others. Perhaps I I need to learn to do something for me, and only me for once in my small life. So what now young sailor?

...."Rock on young sailor don't give up your hope. I'm the One who Gets Away, I'm A New Jersey Sucess Story and they say, All the Heat in the World Couldn't Melt that Ice..."

A Way of Life.

SO. Big news, big news, lots of DRAMA. Pretty much yesterday went like this: Kelly Takes his kids to thier mom's-Kids Mom is Too Hungover to watch Children....Kelly Asks if I will watch his kids, Yeah, I will and I do....Kelly comes to get his kids...AJ shows up and Kelly is here....I go to Class....They talk....AJ Cries.....AJ calls me in Class and Says he is having my Mom come get the kids because he can't stand being here...EVERYONE GETS ALL MEAN AND NASTY TWORD ME ABOUT IT ALL...I get my Kids after class from Filer...AJ calls tells me we need to make boundaries...Kelly calls, wonders where I am and if I am okay....Go Home, talk to Kelly about it...Next Morning AJ says that if I do not stop seeing Kelly he will take the kids from me...I call the Lawyer, lawyer says maybe I should lay low but I am still allowed to date...Talk to Kelly say, AJ is trying to take the kids from me for seeing you, cannot let you be around the kids at all...Kelly says he wants to still date and see eachother but he does not have to live here...SO, I tell AJ that I am just going to date Kelly untill the Divorce is Final. Fun times!!!!!!!!!!

Falling Asleep on Your Clavicle....

So....What is going on today??? Well, I feel Bad about AJ still-I did not like seeing him cry, but at the same time there was no feeling other than that of pity and to comfort. It was kinda strange being so near him. He is a GIANT I have decided, crazy tall, and crazy skinny-and yes a little smelly. He is just so Simple, and it tears me up to see him hurting. I told him I would always be around when he needs me and that maybe by being divorced we can perhaps gain something we never had in our marriage-Friendship. The Kelly thing is still in perpetual motion, which is a good thing, we talk a lot and we got to talk about some things that are important for me to know personally. This however, does not mean that I am retarded and am not being smart about it all. Though I am fairly certain that what he says is what he means and seems to be rather blunt and honest about everything so I think that if I would let myself I could probably trust him for the most part. Trust is a big big issue for me though right now. Other than that My mother looked up his public record and is digging pretty deep to get as much garbage out there to make me get rid of him. I hate to be the "stupid one" but I don't think that he is a bad guy overall and told me about all his "skeletons" before my mother even found them. I am sounding retarded so I will shut up.

Being Realistic.

Now that the Silly me has left and the over-thinking me is back I am really starting to wonder what I am doing. Sometimes I think it is for the best that I just quit this whole Brady Bunch Thing, the fact that my mother does not approve is also wearing. I know it looks bad, no one needs to tell me that. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a definate adjustment. I am used to lack of communication, I am used to Negetivity, I am used to being Used. In a weird way I am missing AJ in retrospect, I kinda miss him not talking, not getting in my way, and just expecting sex in return pretty much. That was SOOOOO much Easier. I seem to go in waves, I like him, or I just want him to disappear. In some ways I do feel like I am kind of being used for what I have I am not so stupid as to think that if I were not so successful that I would have much of anyone "come-a Callin". I just think this whole "playing house" thing is a mistake and I thought that I did not want to do something like this again. Whatever happened to normal dating??? Or does that die when you have children??? I should so not be even writing any of this down because SOME ONE will probably tell Kelly I dislike him and then I will have to deal with that drama. However, I do believe it is smart of me to be thinking about these things, I am not some dumb teenager with nothing to lose, I have a lot, I have kids, and I have worked VERY HARD to get where I am now. Though it may not look like much.

Something Stupid

*5 things you are wearing*
1. A Bra
2. Underwear
3. Jeans
4. Black T-Shirt
5. Red Undershirt
*5 things you can see*
1. A cheese Horn my mother gave Caiden
2. my peripherals
3. My Homework that I should be doing
4. Some Flash Cards I use for the Kids
5. My Calculator
*5 things you are doing right now*
1. wondering why i'm doing this
2. Trying to Ignore Dora The Explorer
3. Thinking
4. Typing this
5. Hoping there are not a thousand people at the Store before I get there
*5 things you ate in the last 24 hours*
1. A yogurt
2. A little Popcorn
3. A piece of Zucchini Bread
4. Cereal
5. Candy bar
*5 things you did so far today*
1. Showered
2. Dressed Kids
3. Talked a lot
4. Cleaned the floor
5. Had a Headache
*5 things you can hear right now*
1. Dora the Explorer
2. the refrigerator
3. nothing
4.
5.
*5 colors you can see*
1. white
2. black
3. sky blue
4. dark blue
5. Green
*5 thoughts in your head*
1. "Why do I feel Nauseous?"
2. "My tonsils are huge"
3. "What am I going to do if AJ finds out?"
4. "How do I get back in my Mothers Good Graces?"
5. "Why do I even care about any of that crap??????"
*5 things you would like to do in your lifetime*
1. Be divorced
2. Eventually Re-Marry for all the Right Reasons NOT IN THE COURTHOUSE
3. Have a Nicer Home
4. Finish School
5. Raise My children into Great Adults.

Evolution-

I did something great, I read all the old posts and decided there is really not much there. Heidi says I need to make a post because things are "Different". So, I will begin with the day my bike got JACKED. Now, you may ask yourself "why on earth would someone steal a bike? And a kids bike for that matter, Out of MY BACKYARD??" Well, lets see-this person could either be A.) A tweaker or B.) Have some sort of real motive you wouldn't really know anything about unless the other Cul-de -Sac-ies told you about it because you live on the corner. It was I guess not even a week ago. But anyway, the stolen bike incident and the return of afore said "bike" resulted in something very UnExpected. The Thief spoke good peace talks on the phone out of Todd and Hedis House the Night of the Incident Promising to return the Bike the Next day. He said he really thought it was his daughters because she had had one just like it and it just up and dissappeared and he thought I had it because he had seen it in my front yard. Mr. Cul-de-Sac Man returned the bike as promised. (Here comes the unexpected part) So here I was Minding my own darn business over here on the corner, liking not living with AJ and having to deal with his "mess". Having just gotten back from my almost Ex Sister In Laws Wedding in Grandview on that Saturday and enjoying having AJ ignore his children. He said this to me, "Go and get your son they want to do pictures." I said, "Can you grab him please???? I am a little busy here." followed by him walking away. SELFISH COCKY S.O.B!!! wish I could flush your visitation. Back to the story- SO Mr. Cul-de-Sac man is also known as Kelly. So now he can have a name. We ended up talking forever-I have not done that since Alex. CRAZY. So there it went from there spending time talking and hanging out every single day with Mr. Kelly-and Mr. Kelly's 3 kids. He has a Caiden but it is spelled Kayden?? they are the same age just about. He also has a 3 Year old named Kayla and a 4 year old I think named Kiersten. Good kids. However messed up thier schedule is now. I like them all though I would love to get a project together for the kids to do together I think they would really enjoy it a lot. Mr. Kelly is 31 years old. In talking together about our dissolved marriages I have been enlightened to the fact that my marriage sucked (not that I didn't know that) But in More ways than I had formerly known. Which is nice and depressing and now I am pretty sure I have a massive complex about married life in general. On Weds I think it was some Counselor called. I was not very receptive having attempted to try and get AJ to go to any type of counseling before I even filed for divorce and was rather PO-ed that now that I was oh about 20-30 days from things being final I was getting this call to "go and visit" to bring my Craptastic Marriage back from the Brink of Divorce. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO AJ. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM. I DO NOT WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME EVER. I think this whole counselor thing may have soemthing to do with the fact that he lives in a Camper in the work parking lot and is quite possibly not getting Laid. Getting Laid is the most important thing in the world to AJ other than of course the Internet and Butt-Sitting. So, I am still Talking and Hanging out with Mr. Kelly and his kids. I really like this guy and his "baggage". And I am pretty certain he likes Me and my "baggage." All I can say is that I enjoy his company and I hope that we can "give it a go" when the divorces are all final. Its funny how things happen sometimes.

Today was...

Today is my Dad's Birthday. I tried to call to tell him happy Birthday but alas, he did not answer the phone so I guess we are back at square one. The babies are asleep and I had to Re-Submit my essay for english 102. hooray! I have Tyson till 9pm tonight and thats just fine with me-Gives me something to do. On a side note-I was reading an old entry and discovered my birthday is comming up. I keep forgetting that and I am really not so sure as to why. Things like Birthdays and Holidays just don't really matter to me anymore I suppose.

Cul-de-Sac Blues.

Well well well....I am not sure what to say because I am not actually sure if anything happened except for a whole lot of allusions to almost nothing. HEIDI!!!!!!!TODD!!!!! If there is nothing to say why oh why do you make the wheels in my head turn??????? Are you actually trying to make me more crazy??!! Is that the plan?? Just say what you mean and mean what you say. And Just FYI: I AM NOT GOING TO FALL OFF THE WAGON FOR SOME GUY!!!!!! I THINK THE AJ EXPERIMENT PROVED THAT MUCH!!!! I know what I know and nothing is going to change that, even if you don't believe me.

ANYWAY-So magic Dad and Wendi Showed up this weekend which was nice. However awkward it is at first. I think it is so awkward because I feel as though we do not really know eachother. They went with me to Grandview for the wedding experience. and it was good to have them there for that the kids seem to really get along well with them and it was great to have the extra hands being as AJ was busy being AJ. My mother has taken up smoking again, it's real cute to watch a cancer patient with Marlbro. Oh well, I can't make her quit and there is not much I can do to help her do it except for be supportive. Clif and I picked a bunch of apples from the pasture down the road it's nice to do that kind of stuff. The horse and I made friends again, this school and work thing is really putting a damper on my Horse-ing.

You Make me...

You make me Complete. You make me COMPLETELY MISERABLE.

I am not nearly as dumb as I thought I was. I remebered my password. Not much has changed, except now I know my divorce will be final on the 8th of October. I think I figured out a way to beat the lonely place and it has something to do with the TV. I am ebay-ing my wedding ring. AJ wants to have sex still even though we are getting divorced, stating, "Well, it's better than the alternative." That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. On a side note-going on walks with 11 kids is probably a ridiculous sight to see.