Is this what you Thought your life would be?

THERE'S MORE TO LIVING THAN BEING ALIVE.

I had an experience that I have not had since I was in a different place. And it made me think, "What have I got myself into here?" I already had a plan B worked out in my head before 2 minutes had passed. And it's not that this thing was so terrible but it that it was So REAL and so something I do not want to become a normalacy. Anyway, I wanted to write about it when it was fresh but now it has somewhat phased out a little. I think I need to spend time with my mother on saturday or maybe a little tonight. I need to balance out my life a bit instead of "kids, kids, kids, kelly, aj, kids kids, kids....ect" AJ showed up yesterday asking for money for food saying he had not eaten for 2 days. I made him food instead. I feel bad. That night when I picked up the kids I asked him if he liked his life. And he said No. Then he asked if Kelly had a grudge against him like he does, I said no. He just thinks you were dumb to ever leave me. We agreed that being divorced is best and has opened our eyes to yet more things that were irrevokably wrong with "us". But I still cannot push down that urge to take care of him far enough to forget it. Kelly is Kelly, I like him, but I do not need him, and I think I love him, but in an unfammiliar way because he is not something I can control/fix nor something I can really "take care of". Perhaps this is what healthy is.