Findings...

AJ still has a lawyer in employ. I have no idea why this is since he is filing uncontested divorce with me. Perhaps he enjoys the sight of money going down the toilet. He still owes my lawyer 350-this is in the paperwork he will be served in the lawyers office. Whatever AJ. You are a MORON. Glad I am not going to be your wife anymore. We also fought over the fact that he says he will watch the kids when I am in Class but seems to never be avaliable. And this crap about how he will be with kids sunday evenings??? NEVER HAPPENED. I do not understand this at all.

HRM...

These kids have been playing on the "dirt Mountain" across the way for about 4 hours now. I stained the deck yet again. I painted rolling hills in green in hannah's room. I used Goof Off to remove the deck stain on my legs and on the kids. I am contemplating heading over to Ridley's. I am not sure if I am going to Christa's Wedding. I probably should. AJ paid me to Pay His bills. I'm kinda in a weird place today. I just feel like being alone kinda, but not really alone, yah know? I feel like being around someone who wants me around. And I guess I am already there. With the kids, they need me around though, not sure if they want me here. I think I may stay home tommarrow too, except for church. I don't really want to bug my mom I am sure she has stuff she wants to do. Life is pretty pathetic when your only options for people who want you around are your kids..and maybe your mom. oh well. =(

The Polls are In!

I have come to the conclusion that I will be alone forever due to the female to male ratio in the state of Idaho. I had a good thing going for me when I bagged one, Alas, He wasn't such a good catch but he had all the right parts. Bummer deal for me now. I believe my option of finding another potential mate is slim to none so I better start hoping AJ changes real quick or decide I really can deal with it forever. MY OPTIONS SUCK. life is tough when you are stuck pushing a baby stroller. But I love my kids more than anything so I keep telling myself it is okay to be alone. This alone I speak of is not the alone of the last 2-3 weeks it is the alone of finalized Divorce Decree, it is a potentially unending period of alone. SO the way I figure it, I better get really sucked down into God, and forget I ever liked Guys. yeah, good plan. In addition to that, if I do ever find a "date" other than a girl I am not sure how I am going to function (especially if he is a good LDS guy) because to me Sex is potentially a big part of dating so I need to square that one away before I ever get in such a situation. this previous sattement goes along with the "loose yourself in GOD" theory.
Well, Other than contemplating my personal life's demise, I am having trouble extracting funds from AJ. But I knew this would happen. Also, good new on the horizon, Heidi, I have my single child. YAY!!!! Also, something strange-Heather and Jodie Invited me to go the the Fair with them and thier kids. I went, it wasn't that great, but I only spent 20 dollars so that is a bonus. I realized they must have a smoke break every 20 minutes, and also that I can weave through crowds with ease even with my Gigantic Stroller. The fair is like a Greasy Trailer Trash Party Gone Wild. Its okay, but not great. I wasnt planning on going there in the first place but I guess it disrupted my routine. Which is alright I suppose, maybe I need to loosen up a bit.

ooo-RAH!

and now i am updating for the sake of updating alone. I am going to class tonight, the Bishop was all to understanding. I BLAME TODD. It seems like whenever I go to the Bishop TODD had LEAKED INFORMATION. Heidi makes me sad, she refuses to wait to go work out with me. Its's okay I know I am lame. I yelled at the neighbor boy for running and shooting his bee bee gun in my yard. I AM GOING TO GET EGGED. I need a weapon I have decided now that I am going to be alone forever. I would make a good target, plus I really want to protect my children with something other than A butcher knife. Huzzah! I am going to be a probably 22 year old by then, Divorcee. isn't that something.

You and me, and Me and You...

Well, well , isn't this convenient? I am not sure how well the bills are going to be paid for the month of september. Also, AJ and I have come to agree upon divorce. We met today to figure in a few little tidbits to wind it up nice and tight before I visit Mr. Laywer Man tomarrow. It was weird, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing for him. I was expecting to feel hurt or abandoned or something, but I looked at him, Whom I had drug out of the PressBox, and just felt NOTHING. On a high/low point, I get to meet with the Bishop Tomarrow Night. I am not sure what to tell him...Probably something along the lines of, "Hey, me and AJ don't live together anymore. And I saw a lawyer today and I am getting a very mutal divorce. Though I am a little nervous about having enough cash all year long... Oh and BTW sorry for being mad at you for about 2 weeks or something..." it will be awesome. And School tonight was okey dokey.

day 7

here on day 7 I am losing a little of my resolve. But I do think God has given me an answer so I will trust in that. I think I am wavering mostly due to the fact that I am a little scared to be alone forever. I have issues surrounding my worth as a partner and things and I of course have "baggage" and lovely "stretch marks" that will haunt me untill I die, no matter how skinny I get. I just am having trouble seeing a future for myself personally. Even if I never find anyone else I can just try and lose myself in God. That could be easily done I suppose. The kids have started playing "mommy daddy" games but otehr than that I do not hear a word about "Daddy". Caitie has gotten herself against the wall and I should go get her. Well, thats the Update for today, oh, and I have started school, having some techinical difficulties but I am very suprised to see how slow things are moving compared to the Summer semester.

Aj Loves me this I know...

AJ I think has hopped the Hate train. Yesterday he Txt Messaged me "This is your Rollercoaster, Now RIDE IT. I will be Civil about the kids and about Bills, but other than that I don't want to talk." YAY. I also talked to his mother and she apparently knows about the Melba event. Thankyou Casey. But I think she believe I am making the right decision.

Day Four

Today I took the kids over to see AJ at work. It went good, Aj only paid 100 for ChildSupport. But I suppose that is okay for now. I was pathetic last night and I called him and asked him if he wanted to be married and that I did want to be married and he told me he didn't know anymore and that he really really did not like me. I just am so torn between what is good for everyone and what I should do... Also, I am to meet with his mother tomarrow after the Temple Dedication which I do not believe I will be able to attend being as I have no husband. And AJ likes to ignore my calls. I am not sure what she wants...I bet Heidi that she will want to talk about the Wedding Arrangements. Heidi is Betting on Keeping the Family together. Aj told his motehr about this yesterday, he told her I was getting a divorce and that she needed to tell CHrista as to not ruin her wedding...Whatever.
It is my mom's Birthday, We got her an elephant with the trunk pointing up for good luck. She thought it was funny.

what was that?

after spending hours of today sobbing and having a panic attack ove the fact that AJ had summoned me to meet his lawyer. I walk in to see him looking quite solemn. He turns to me and says, "Is this Really what you want??" And I have to say, I wanted to say no out of habit maybe? I fought it and said " yeah, I do because we are in a pattern and I do not believe it will be broken." It was a lame answer. but i think it was the best one. I hate it when he does his sad face. He did it the last time I got serious about leaving and I gave in...Now look at us? I just do not see him changing. Plus the fact that he has been nasty and not returning phone calls and just plain not giving a crap tells me a lot about him. He obviously doesn't care for me enough to change.

+Day Three+

This is the Technical Day three of this "separation" . I have resolved to file for Divorce as soon as I get things situated. I talked to Jodie about Legal Aid and looked at her Divorce papers. I feel as though there is nothing to wait on. Also, I tried to call him last night. He did not answser. He did not call back. He has noinquired about the kids either. I feel rejected for all of us. His Brother DAve, IM'ed me thinking it was "us" last night, so I told him waht was up and he said that AJ's refusal to tell his own family is a sign of Guilt. I think he is right. Also, he said that I have a "team" and He is on it. He said that just because Aj is his Brother doesn't mean he is right. I still am in an upheval of whether or not all of the problems were just in my head. Were they??? Am I crazy?? I have no idea. all I know is I am alone now, and he is not at all interested in the kids. funny how things turn out.

What is it??!!

What is this Nagging Feeling making me queasy???

Day Two-

this is officially day two. I had the best nights sleep I have had in a VERY LONG TIME. I am enjoying waking up to Happy Music and being able to wake up lie in bed and have a prayer Before I get up instead of being pestered. Also, I noticed that the Bedroom no longer seems to have some sort of "funk" smell. Maybe it was AJ??? I also seem to require a lot less food output for major meals and have a lot less dishes. How Strange.

So, the only bad things are that it is REALLY QUIET. Which is stranage but other than that I think I am doing well....I feel guilty about him sleeping in his Truck, but I do think that was part of his Master Plan. He did not HAVE TO Sleep in his truck. Anyway, I am now to the point that I am not sure that I want him back in this house to bring in his funk and his mess. I have been Praying at least 3 times a day about what to do, and I think the Lord wants us to be apart because when I look to him he seems to just wash me in this "Calm" and when I think about what AJ wants and Needs I have this Gut wrenching nervous thing. I hope that I am not letting my emotions rule whatever I chose to do because that would be a mistake of a Lifetime. The kids are actually doing GREAT. They really haven't noticed that he is missing so maybe thats a sign....

Day One-

Day one is as follows starting from the night he left.
~Washed Sheets
~Cleaned Room and Moved into Entire Dresser
~Mopped all Surfaces in House
~Vacuumed
~Did Dishes
~Did Left Over LAundry
~Made Beds
~Watched Olympics
~Went to Bed With Pillow Behind Back
~Slept Fitfully
*The Morning After*
~Woke Up To AJ's Rock Music-Promptly Turned it off and Decided It must be Changed to COuntry
~Found Children In Living Room
~Started Brkfst
~Showered after COnsidering NOT showering (It had already been almost 3 days)
~Contemplated if I am depressed or not, the not showering suggests Depression.
~Dressed and Dressed Children.
~Did Hannahs Hair.
~Kids Showed Up
~Decided to Document this
~Mom Called, Said if AJ is talking like it is a Divorce then I need to get my "ducks in a row". He has to Buy me out of the HOuse....=(
....I think maybe we should just do a Divorce, it doesn't really seem like he wants to work for anything....I am concerned that he will get all petty if that happens though. My mom says I cannot expect him to pay on a second for a house he doesn't own. But in all actuality most of the debt in there is from him so I think it would be fair to half it. There is a lot more to this than just dividing up the stuff, Most of it is my mothers and my grandmothers. He can have the couches and the TV and his DVDS but nothing else really belongs to him sooooo.....I dunno. By the time I get my head around this I am not going to want him back, and maybe he feels the same way.

Oh and...

I forgot to mention that I sobbed like a baby on Sunday....Yeah, it was cute.

What?

So, here I am confused. Not too sure about why I have decided we should separte today but I am sure I had/have some good reasons. But, he seems as though he is well on his way past "resentment" and exiting off' the "HATE" off Ramp. So I think I need to think about why I am doing this and write down the reasons in order to avoid being confused any further.
~I do not like him nor dislike him (Ambivalent)
~We are not a Partnership (we do absolutely nothing together)
~He Refuses to take an active role in his homelife (Even when I leave the kids here with him he props them in fron tof the TV and games the whole time.)
~He is Very Extrteme (Either Super Dad for everyone else or Angry Man 2000here at home)
~I actually like being alone and never want to come home after church to be in the house with him all day.
~We used to argue whenever he was home, now we just live in separate spaces while I provide his basic needs. (To me he is Another thing on my list of things to Do)
~We are generally not friends. he seems to have no interest whatsoever in anything I have to talk about and refuses to do thingfs wiuth us that do not include a TV. (Or his Family)
~He is Rude to my Entire FAMILY, he makes them feel so unwelcome when they have come over that they refuse to spend holidays here or invite him places.
~He Expects me to put out and Yells at me and Camplains when I do not Get my Birth Control Immediately.
~He Yells all the time and beats on things.
~I do not believe he really wants to be Married.

Sooooo....I apparently have some issues I need to resolve about our relationship. But I do not want him living in his Truck that is just ridiculous. School Starts on Thurs. for the kids. Thank God for Heidi or I would never know anything.
My school starts on the 25th. I am TERRIFIED. So many changes lately and I am not sure waht happened to cause them all, it's like I just snapped and had some sort of a Mid Life Crisis. Too bad I am only 21-going on 22.

WWW.idiot-husband.COM

YAY! I still hate my husband. He is an IDIOT to the En-th Degree...I tell him, hey we need to not spend money so we can Pay the Surgery Center Because they send us to collections everytime we are late. He says, "Yeah okay..." Apparently Yeah okay translates into " I HONESTLY DON"T GIVE A F@#$%!!" so now we have 26 dollars to make a pmt and that will still be 29 cents short of just paying the Interest. So I got to call them as soon as they opened and say, "Hey I can't pay you till Friday, can you please please not send me to collections???" The Lady said this is the only time and I have to have my pmt there by 9am on Friday. My Life Sucks. Holly says I don't seem "Happily MArried" I told her, "Could be Better, Could be Worse..." When is it actually going to get better. She also Enlightened me to the fact that it "Seems like I don't Get out Much..." HMMMMMMMM......Yeah, that would be true, yes I am a lonely home-body with a total of maybe 3 friends and 2 of the 3 are my Mother and my Grandmother. So yes, I AM LAME. Yes, MY LIFE IS SAD. Yes, MY HUSBAND DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Yes, He feels entitled because he has "a real job" as he Lovingly Reminds me. I really don't know what I am doing being married to him.... I think I need to leave but it just seems easier to deal with it.

So Much For the Afterglow....

You put yourself in stupid places Yes I think you know it's true

Situations where it's easy to look down on you

I think you like to be the victim

I think you like o be in pain

I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day

You do what you do You say what you say

You try to be everything to everyone

You know all the right people

You play all the right games

You always try to be everything to everyone

Yeah you do it again You always do it again

You say they taught you to read and write

Yeah they taught you how to count

I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound

I think you like to be their simple toy

I think you love to play the clown

I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

Oh by the way this one ^up there it's Everclear not that that Matters, but it reminds me what an Idiot I am when I listen to it...

The first star I see may not be a star.We can't do a thing but wait.So let's wait for one more.The time such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.I'm careful but not sure how it goes....You can loose yourself in your courage.The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.This is what she says gets her through it:"If I don't let myself by happy now then when?"If not now when?When the time we have now ends.When the big hand goes round again.....Can you still feel the butterflies?Can you still hear the last goodnight?Close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.

And this one ^up here is Jimmy Eat World Off the Clairity Album.....not that you care but, it reminds me to let go and just be happy for once no matter if it's just for a minute...And it Represents the Chris Era. but that doesn't matter-Jimmy Changes with me....

Anyway, so this is what goes on when I am mostly alone with my Thoughts....We get a little Nostalgic and start thinking about the Library of Song Lyrics in Our head. SO there it is.....

Uhhhh...and this is supposed to be christian "love"???

So, sad to say it but yes, I did go to the Dark Side and did some Reconnaissance work. On my Tour of "the Mormons are Diluted" Land I learned that Apparently all Mormon men Like to Sexually Abuse their daughters..(Or at least most of them) Also that it's cute to put Mormon Garments and Temple Clothing Including Ceremonial things and put them up for People the Look at all the While says, "yeah, now isn't that something.." I do not believe that this is the Proper way to "convert" Mormons. This is Crass and Pathetic that one must use underwear to prove a Point. WHats chritian about making fun of somebody???!!!Also, this load of Poo about how she could never do Baptisms for the Dead or get a Patriarchal Blessing Because she wouldn't bear her testimony is worthless to me. I know for a fact that Bearing your Testimony is Not a Necessity to receive those Blessings.....Also, what is this Sheet with the hole for the head so they can touch you naked and bless the body parts???? Oh well, so yes, I may have done wrong by going to this function under the premise I may learn something. Instead, I came out with an arm load of material and quite enraged. So now Julee's Sister want ME to go to Church With her on Sunday.....I think I may Disappear, plus I said I didn't like her boss who was my old boss so that was dumb of me....

Retard

I cannot understand my Brother. I only have one. I leave messages he doesn't return them it's not like I'm going to beat him up or something. I seem to have a simmilar effect on my father as well, which is needless to say, depressing. Why I continue to contact them is beyond me, if I was anything like either of them they would only be good to me as memories. Oh well.
So some one finally put the fire out inside my head. I decided I needed to go back to basics and read my scriptures. My scriptures apparently do not Like me. I opened up to Titus in the New Testament where it desribed the Nature of a Bishop. HRM! And then I read the Book of Mormon, which happened to be a section I had underlined that pretty much said, "Had you been living as God commanded you then you will have peace if not then well it sucks to be you..." Thanks...So I am not sure that I was not necesarily living as ought to be in the present but the Happening that Made me mad at the "man in the suit" AKA the Bishop. sooooooo.....yeah.

I See....

I see that a Certain Someone has been Commenting on my posts. Thanks for the Support Mystery Woman. By the Way I Wrote the Last One Before you Called to See if I was Mad at you, I actually thought it was the other way around, that you were mad at me or something. So, thats why I wrote that I could quite possibly be losing only Friend.

Anyway, so I think I might Go to this Bible Study Class at Night and still maintain my LDS church goings and commings maybe that way I can feel more complete in my studies who knows. I will probably go on Church Tour with my Grandmother as to appease her though and I am nbot sure how many I will be touring.

Oh, something Exciting, Julee Called to Invite me to an Anti-Mormon (which is of course not what they call it) Conferencethe Light House. to "learn more about the mormon culture". I don't think I will go, I have enough Anti Material in my own house and it might just make me angry plus then I would be "affiliating with groups that denounce the Church" So that wouldn't help my case now would it?

I feel so wierd right now, just kinda Lost. But in all actuality I lost all Direction in April and have been just "faking it till I make it" back around the Bend. What the Crap is Going on? Should I go to the Bishop and Say I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?????!!!!!

This is What Happens.....

The morning after is just like anyother, full of doubt. I am almost sure that I will be losing friend. Also, I am feeling unsure about most everything. Who is right and who is Wrong?? This stupid war that has been ripping me apart inside has escaped. If only I could mash them all together and make my own religion. Unfortunately I cannot. Then I think "what is so big about religion anyway?! WHO CARES!" I'm not a very Good Mormon. I would make a better whatever I was before. At least I know what I am talking about that way.

Red Rimmed Eyes and Saying Goodbye

The End of an Era.

I am done trying to be perfect. I am done trying to live up to the golden standard that I cannot achieve due to the fact that I have NO IDEA what I am reaching for anymore. So thats that. The straw that broke the camels back I want my kids to know what I know. And No one should judge but God and God alone. There is a serious and profound problem that has been growing over the last 5 months and now it has overgrown its little box in my head. Years and Years of Bible Doctrine building up for the last almost 22 years of my life have exploded and smashed my feeble mormon doctrine into little bits of goo. God is God. God Loved me when I was a crackhead, God loved me when I was a whore. Cheers! to the end of an era and the renewal of the old fire, and to a new appreciation for something different.

not Knocked Up

My House Smells Like Spackle. And BTW Heidi, I am going to finish the darn book and you should too if you haven't already. It's time for this to end we need to move on.

I started my I am going to demolish my house and start all over again thing today. There is a good chance I may end up with my own mountain in the Magic Valley Landfill.

My kids are suprisingly not trying to kill eachother. I want Pizza. Good Pizza.

I changed my curtains so now they are Sage Green Panels with two Scarves intertwined that are sheer off white and dark brown.

I need to mow the darn lawn.

Strange

Today is Slow-ish. Jordan and Kenna Are NOT HERE. Which is almost like a new experience because they are always here. It's a little starnge being here without them attacking me with questions, making sure I am doing everything on schedule. Oh well...Marlee is here late today, and I was STUPID and accepted more kids but they will be after schoolers only and every other week so kinda like Owen. Hannah Stole the Cereal box off the counter and is doing a terrible job of hiding it from me.

I decided that I do not want to go to Christa's Wedding/Love Fest 2008. She is having a 3 ring circus for a wedding including-SEALING-RING CEREMONY-RECEPTION. OMG. Whatever, I just think people should not go so overboard. I don't do well with the PDA and the Gazing at Eachother crap. I should be more accepting I suppose, but weddings, gah! Weddings!!!???

Our Wedding cost a whopping 20 bucks!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! and no one was there, if I had to do it over I probably would do an actual Wedding Wedding but not the 3 for 1 deal. Weddings are just an excuse to get free stuff from people(because no one wants to watch you get all goopy and make out). And those Gift Registries are a JOKE. the stuff people put on them is just outrageous. NO, I do NOT want to BUY YOU a bedroom set. Or a 60 dollar toaster!! You can go shopping at the DI just like everyone else!!! go get yourself a dollar pack of silverware to supply your drawer. Makes you tough. HA,HA,HA. (so much for the being nice....) And the whole "we want to wait before we have kids...." JUST HAVE KIDS. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT TIMING!!!!

I tried to add a Slide Show

..BUT, it is at that Bottom..The End

It is Terrible

My house sounds like this today..."WAAAAAHHHHHH,WA,WAAAAAAAAAA, (insert annoying squeal) AHAHAHAHWAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" And what does baby want?? NOt Bottles. Nothing. Just to SCREAM untill SOmeone PICKS HER UP....NOT picking HER UP. Train the Baby, don't let the Baby Train you. She's Full, Clean, and Angry. And I hold her, but she doesn't need it all the time. It's magic as soo as you begin to lift her she shuts up so that why I am NOT GIVING IN. GEEE WIZ. it's been how many hours of this?? oh, about 3. She woke up and just hasn't quit. Oh well.

Kenna is plaing with the mini Barn Animals on the Bar in the Kitchen. Caiden and Caleb are talking about something. Hannah keeps spitting so she has been in Time Out a lot today. Jordan is passed out and so Is Tyson. Marlee already Left. and Baby is, as you know, SCREAMING. I read the reviews on this Book I am Reading and Everyone Hates it because of the "anti-femminist" message of that you can be happy with being married and having a Baby at 18. ITS A BOOK. I was married at 18 and pregnant and I am rather functional so what does that say about me??? AM I not good for the Feminist Movement? DO I NOT make a GOOD Example of what to do these days?? Who knows, I think I am doing well for my age and circumstances. But according to Book Reviewers I am a "Bad Message all Tied Up with a Bow."

Welcome to the Weekend

Today I did my dork thing-I showed up bright and early at Barnes and Noble to get the Dun-Dun-DUHH-Last Twilight Series Book. Yes, it is juvenile and Teenagery.
Weekends are usually my time to go completely insane and start and finish insanely huge projects that are more fit to a mans "thing to do". Example from Today-I mowed the lawns like I always do, then I started going through some scrapped Fencing I have around and decided today is a good day to start rebuilding a fence for the front yard. Mind you, here where we live we are not allowed to water the dirt to be able to dig post holes. Also I am missing about 20ft of fencing to go completely around the front. In addition to that my crazy little brain was stormin' up ideas on how to somehow strap the 16' fence sections to the roof of my MiniVan as well as rent a post hole digger and fit that in there.....With my Two kids.....Lucky for me,and my kids for that matter, My Mother Called and evaluated my plans for the day and decided that I was going with her to Burley. She tends to think that I never stop moving and "doing, always doing. Don't you ever just SIT???!!!" My original plan for this weekend was to get a deck sander and sand the deck and re stain it for the season....Not sure how I went from that to Fencing....So, now I have oh, about 20' of fencing laid out in my front yard taunting me....I am almost certain that I will end up completing this project sooner Rather than later. My house is always the loudest on the weekends since my kids are either trying to kill each other or playing in the loudest way possible. But it's good noise, it's great to have kids. In fact, I wouldn't mind having one more.

Today

I ordered a BC for a Daycare mom but the original site I wanted to use said it had errors so I regretably had to use my second choice. Now this would be great except for the fact that it has no actual pricing on it and the confirmation email they sent also had NO info of that sort. So I told the Daycare mom to take it out of my pay if it was a crazy ammount of money and/or if it didn't show up. Also, today I ment "screamin' Owen" at the door with a Popcicle and this great thing happened-HE DIDNT CRY-at all. it was great. Did I mention I was potty training Caiden? I am and I need more undies for him. So thats my fun for the day up until now-ish.