Is this what you Thought your life would be?

THERE'S MORE TO LIVING THAN BEING ALIVE.

I had an experience that I have not had since I was in a different place. And it made me think, "What have I got myself into here?" I already had a plan B worked out in my head before 2 minutes had passed. And it's not that this thing was so terrible but it that it was So REAL and so something I do not want to become a normalacy. Anyway, I wanted to write about it when it was fresh but now it has somewhat phased out a little. I think I need to spend time with my mother on saturday or maybe a little tonight. I need to balance out my life a bit instead of "kids, kids, kids, kelly, aj, kids kids, kids....ect" AJ showed up yesterday asking for money for food saying he had not eaten for 2 days. I made him food instead. I feel bad. That night when I picked up the kids I asked him if he liked his life. And he said No. Then he asked if Kelly had a grudge against him like he does, I said no. He just thinks you were dumb to ever leave me. We agreed that being divorced is best and has opened our eyes to yet more things that were irrevokably wrong with "us". But I still cannot push down that urge to take care of him far enough to forget it. Kelly is Kelly, I like him, but I do not need him, and I think I love him, but in an unfammiliar way because he is not something I can control/fix nor something I can really "take care of". Perhaps this is what healthy is.

Mi Gusta'

So, here is how the story goes, I went to the LDS church and it was all gravy except for the fact that Kelly was there and was being entirely too unpleasant which resulted in a, "Maybe I should just move my stuff out because I don't want to go to separate churches because it is stupid and we will not work out because it will come between us."...the end. My response was, "I never said you jhad to go and that is ridiculous if you are going to make the big of a deal out of something I never had ant intentions of making you do." We did however somehow get to a plain of "getting along" after that, perhaps it was the Tomatoes?? We also attended our favorite night church the RIVER and listen like little sponges to Pastor Mikes take on Daniel ch. 7 which was awesome. I think I can have my cake and eat it too, this is america. On a side note- this CD Alex made me back in the day that has never played now PLAYS. It is fun for me to listen to, brings back some great memories. I had a great thing with that guy best friend and all that junk. Anyway, So AJ is better than Kelly on the church thing, sure he never went but he let me do whatever I wanted, which is better than negetivity. ..."She didn't want to, she didn't want to TAKE IT!!" And the best part is I DO NOT HAVE TO.

hello

how are you I would like you to know...that I am simply simple minded in an understated tone. I have reasons beyond reasoning for things I have not won, and questions not worth answering for things you've never done. I am simply simple minded and thats all you need to know about a girl like me who sits here writting things like this one.

Retro Eighties so -called Friends of mine...

Uh, I am dropping classes. Namely English and Math. I am keeping Biology and The Young Child. I think I need to spread this shin-digg out over time. Liandra and I are a little too friendly I think...A little strange...And she needs to wear different undies or pants that fit her butt because I am sick of seeing her thongs. its just nasty. Anyway, so yeah, toooooooo friendly w/ the ex-wifey....HAHAAHHAHAHAHASUHauifhdfuipedhrohgdfiospghiodfp WHAT AM I DOING HERE!!!????

How Sorry is enough?

AJ won. I am voted off the island of relatives. THE END.

First Snow of the Season!!

I just got done telling Kiersten that I was going to take pictures of them out in the first snow of the season. I think that would be cute. Kelly is working today and he worked late last night, Kiersten was up coughing all night and I took care of her, then Kelly woke up for a little bit before we went back to bed because he had to be out of here by 7 am. I need to get some more cough medicine, the kids are getting this cough thing going around. I let the dogs inside, I hate to see them freezing to death outside. I need to go to town to get some winter stuff for the kids. and get to the bank, I am a grandma in the snow.

Hello Mr. Zebra, Can I have you Coat?

Because It's Cold, Cold, Cold....

Did you know that it is like 32 degrees outside?? Holy Poop. It's darn cold, we will not be going outside today. Period. Which reminds me that I have to go get the kids (ALL OF THEM PROBABLY) Winter Jackets, Good Shoes, and Socks. Also Pants that fit would be super for Kiersten and for Kayla. I think the Boys are pretty well set up for clothes, jackets, and maybe shoes. Hannah is doing great on clothes as well. Maybe I will get her her own Winter coat and pass the Mckenna Hand me down down to Kayla??? Because it is a little large for Miss Banana. This weekend is Moving Day for both Kelly and I and for AJ as well. The great division of stuff will be happening. How exciting.

Do we have to???

First off for the record if to no one but myself , I AM NOT A SLUT. I did not sleep around on AJ during our marriage, even though he seems to think so. The KELLY AND I story is entirely true even though it seems false, but to my knowlege I have not ever had any sort of affair with that man during my marriage. ALSO I NEVER GAVE IN TO MY "I want drugs" BONANZA. NO, I do not trust AJ, and NO he does not trust me anymore except for when it has to do with the kids. This is craziness, stop insinuating things about me and just comeout and say it and DO NOT talk about me with your sex offender father about whether or not I was a whore during our marriage of course he would say that I was because he would be doing it. So WTF!!!!???? And please hang up on me one mroe time when I say, "you were supposed to get your stuff out during the 20 days not now" and thrown in a "Screw you too then!!!!" *click* My life is awesome most of the time.

Love is a Many Splendored thing.

AJ has found a girl, at Kruzers of course, she is 25 blonde a hairdresser and has a six year old boy. I feel somewhat released from this undying tie to not let myself fully move past him. I, on the other hand, have an almost 32 year old man with 3 kids, a good job, ect. I think I still got the better end of the stick. We obviously have different standards. haha. I asked Kelly what church we were going to this weekend and he was about to say Mor-and then changed to Nazarene. This is his last week to go church touring before the "big one" called the LDS church. I am considering just going to the LDS this weekend alone. Things are good Liandra is kinda freaking me out being all buddy buddy which is making Kelly a little PO-ed because, "Everyone else gets to spend time with you but me-You spend 3 hours eveyother night with AJ lately, Liandra comes over and Hangs out for hours with you and all I get is to watch the kids while you are gone all the time. Not that I mind helping but we need to spend time together." Yes, I know I need to spend the time to make it work out. Unfortunately my life is not my own and I have Jammed it up with too much stuff to do.

Compromise and Comparisons.

Yesterday I discovered that it really isn't bad to tell the person you are mad at that you are mad at them, and why you are that way. How Bizzare. Today I discovered that I am somehow competing with something that looks a whole lot like a comparison. I am NOT going to COMPETE and DO NOT want to be COMPARED. Especially when what I am being compared to shows up and doesn't leave for over an hour. "Please take this cup from me...." Gosh, I have this undeniable urge to try and fix it/her. I have ISSUES. Also today I decided that I am in love with the farm boy driving me around in his daddys 10 wheeler during corn harvest in a white t-shirt and wranglers. That happy boy who knew nothing about life. That happy boy that turned into a very angry young man. My heart weeps for him. My heart weeps for his family that I love. I cannot tell him this of course. But gosh, I know for a fact it is true, I am in love with those happy memories of him however few they are. But despise those unhappy memories of every day we lived together. Talk about contradictory. With everything in me, I want to see him happy again, I want to see him smile and be carefree in a good way. I hope he gets there again.

Happy Sort of Anniversary

AJ reminded me that today is our last anniversary we will be having and oddly enough we will be attending parenting classes tonight together so we can call it a "DATE" haha. That probably isn't actually funny. Neither is it when Kelly and AJ are here together and AJ doesn't really pay a whole ton of attention to the kids and then gets mad because Kelly is reading to his kids and Our kids want to do that too. My mother is Mad. She says she isn't but I can hear it in her voice and she is very short with me as of late. She asked why I didn't coemover yesterday to get the pumpkins that I can;t get except for if I am alone and I told her I stayed here for AJ's visit. I did not mention that I do not want to feed into her fun behavior of not letting me not inconvenience myself and go over there after church with Kelly and the kids since we "roll" there together. Anyway-I am not sure how I am going to deal with this-A big big part of me want to just do my own thing and say screw it to her approval. Then there is the little girl inside that want above all things mommy's approval and to make her smile. I am thinking that now is a good as time as any to clain my independance of thought and lifestyle. It's not as if I am doing something so bad that requires this kind of back stabbing. Oh and my life resembles a Love Square.

Stacie's Mom Has Got it Goin' On...

Hey you want to know what is really really cool???? Being me. You wanna know why??? Because my family seems to have a knack for finding all the dirt availiable on a person. Including somehow endingup working with someone who went to HS with Kelly and His family and somehow they decide to talk about all the crap he did in HS. So guess what happens next?? My Mother call me and says, "So I guess you found yourself another Brian. Another Hoodlum. Heard from this guy that he soked a lot of pot and stole a lot of stuff and got in a lot of trouble. Hope he changed, though I do not believe people do, because the grass is Not Greener on the other side of the Fence Nicole. You Need to Call Clif." COME ON PEOPLE. HS was how many years ago???? How Old is He Now?? Give a Guy a Break. The more this happens the more unsure I get, the worse things look the more nervous I am the more guilty I feel about it the more I want to have it stop. Then my mother calls me after I talk to Clif because Clif says I sounded Pissy, well lets see you call me to tell me crap about this guy I like that I already know, that I know makes him only look worse than he already does which will only get me a "YOU NEED TO LOOK AROUND NICOLE." All while I have a billion kids running around and I am trying to get stuff done. So yeah, maybe I am a little pissy because I am sick of being told to shop around. I WAS NEVER SHOPPING TO BEGIN WITH. If you want me to go back to AJ just say it outright because all this is ridiculous. And SO WHAT IF A THIRTY SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN HAS A JUVENILE RECORD AND A LOT OF SPEEDING TICKETS AS LONG AS HE HOLDS A JOB AND TAKES CARE OF HIS STUFF LOVES HIS KIDS AND IS RESPONSIBLE??????!!!

I am sick of all this judgemental CRAP. Yeah AJ doesn't have a record. Yeah he is a Good Ol' Boy. He is a nice guy most of the time but a litte slow-however that doesn't excuse all the crap between us. He has issues and he needs help and always have and my Greatest Mistake with him was thinking I alone could fix him. He needs to know himself. He needs to be okay with that first.

Oh, while on the "I Know Who I Am" Kick I should put who I am in here: I am Too Independant, too opinionated though I keep alot of stuff inside that I should not like the fact that I would like to have a healthier relationship with my family. I feel guilty about almost everything. There is something wrong with that but I know where it comes from and I have been this way since I can remeber. I have a tendancy to try and make everyone happy. I have trouble saying NO. I am a pleaser. I love God. I always have had a Fear of God and I love that. I also have a Fear of god for my mother. which is unhealthy, I need to remember that no matter how high my mother sees herself she is human just as I am, and I am an adult. I realize that if I did what I wanted all the time I would have a thousand shoes and a billion different items of clothing and probably the same for my children and partner. I would also have name brand groceries. I would ALSO be in alot of DEBT. I am a mother, and I love them, I wish I could really know these little "unknowable people" that live in my house. I feel bad that I have lost sight of them somewhat because of my job. I have hopes and aspirations, I work hard and I plan things out. I should be more spontaneous and not in house project kind of way. I question and question everything people do and every move I make it over thought and calculated. BAD BAD STUFF but at least I understand why I do it.

Why do I blog???

Why the crap do I blog? I am not really sure why. I guess it stems from when I was a teenager and had 0 privacy so it seemed and I thought it would be safer to try and lock it up on the internet. Unfortunaely that is a bad plan as well. Anyway, so Kelly go me thinking and now I am questioning my motives on this whole blogging thing. I am not overly concerned about people reading it because I have nothing to hide and really nothing interesting to say most of the time. I guess it is just kind of for me to "vent" or express thoughts that I have at the time??? Which of course he would rebutt with a "Why do you need to do that when you have someone to talk to now???" insert I DUNNO. So, sure sure I will figure out whether or not this will die in the near future. ANYWAY. AJ and I went to our first parenting class, they talked about how marriage is a chair and if there is one leg broken you need to leave and go fix your leg. If you have more than one leg broken then you should be there. How you need to be honest with the kids, tell them you love them make them #1. Not to date anyone for however long it takes to know yourself. (I think I know myself) There were "divorcing" couple in there laying on eachother and holding hands....WHY ARE YOU IN HERE????? This whole situation is just bizzare. I think it would be easier if I felt something other than pity. But we talked afterward and I said I was sorry that I couldn't be sad with him. I think we may end up kinda being friends, I hope he learns how to be happy. Today he asked me to go to dinner with im as "friends" without the kids for my birthday. I said I did not think that was a great idea. Life is great, I love my kids. However much they whine

Mr. Brightside

I HATE THIS CRAP. He showed up for lunch and then I just go..."uhhhhhh, Hi.....I think that we both are too bossy adn need rules blah blah..." then he goes, "What are you talking about? Why are you trying to kill italready? If you were going to do this you should have done it awhile ago. Like before I gave my Notice?? Why can't you think positive thoughts??" "When I say some things it's just like a way of being weird and breaking the monotony and most of the time I don't mean what I am saying anyway when I do it-it's just a way of flirting like people do when they don't really know eachother..." "Yes I have aProblem with you being around guys that have the hotts for you and you don't seem to be telling him to go away, and I think you would have a problem with it too!" Insert *Blink* *Blink* "OH. yeah..." (I feel like an idiot and still did not get my point across, and now cannot really remember what the point even was.) I have a disease. And I call it "Kelly". All I really have to do is see him and look at him and go-"heheheheee" and I am officially lost and cannot remember why I was ever even a little irritated with him. Oh and McKenna saw him kiss me and now I will never live that one down. "NICOLE KELLY KISSED YOU!!! why did kelly kiss you??? Are you Kelly's Honey???? Kelly Kissed you nicole." PDA IS BAD.

There is no "I" in "Team"

SO. I know how to piss off Kelly lickety split in more ways that one. I also now have a library of Observed OCD's and knowlege about how it functions. But back to the how to piss Him Off : a.) Talk about Conference (or anything LDS for that matter) b.) Talk about school and projects you have to do with a certain male and 2 other females.

I need to lay down the law. YOU DON"T OWN ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN THINK FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! THE MORE YOU DO THIS THE LESS I LIKE YOU AND WANT YOU AROUND!!!!!!!!

For me when someone tryies to boss me and tell me what I can or can't do or flips out when I say the word "group project" and "get together outsode of school" and they FLIP OUT it makes me wish I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO GET THAT TREATMENT. Just because your soon to be ex wife was a slut doesn't mean I am. AND all those stupid head games have got to stop because I am not playing anymore, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do not EVER try and Guilt trip me into ANYTHING I am not some stupid little girl who doesn't have a brain in her skull (AND if that is what you want you should get out) . AND you will not tell me what church to go to and I DO NOT WANT YOU HERE if you are going to be a JACKASS about what I want to do as for religion and that goes for you never going as well, I would rather just be with AJ. At least AJ wasn't so hostile about the whole thing. Gee WIZZ!!!! YOU CAN GET THE "F" OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!

I think I am going to print this out and read it to Kelly and see what happens. He is not my only option, and I think that this is ridiculous. I am not liandra, if he wants someone that confused and maleable then maybe he should have stayed where he was.